


feverish

by nezumiprefersdanielleovershakespeare



Category: Free!
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-20
Updated: 2017-05-23
Packaged: 2018-11-03 00:15:46
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 33,430
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10955706
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nezumiprefersdanielleovershakespeare/pseuds/nezumiprefersdanielleovershakespeare
Summary: Rin's got a newfound crush on his old friend Makoto, which he fully intends to ignore completely until a night at Makoto's makes that impossible.Preview:“Rin,” Makoto said suddenly, and there was a shuffling on his side of the bed, so Rin turned his head, found himself looking straight at Makoto, whose eyes were bright in the dark of the room, inches from Rin’s.Rin blinked, his heart jumping to his throat. He knew what Makoto was going to say. That Rin’s heartbeat was too loud, was shaking the entire bed, was keeping him awake.“Yeah?” Rin breathed, when Makoto didn’t say anything.Makoto kept looking at him. Rin couldn’t read his expression, and even though it was dark, his eyes had adjusted to the darkness by then. He saw clearly the familiar lines of Makoto’s face, his jaw, his chin, his nose, his lips.He forced himself to look back at Makoto’s eyes, got distracted with his eyelashes, looked away and got caught on Makoto’s lips again, the bottom of which Makoto was biting before he stopped and then they were moving with the murmured syllables of his words.“Nothing. Never mind,” he whispered, and then he smiled his small smile, but it looked a little different than usual.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I originally wrote and posted this fic in October, 2015, and I'll be reposting it one chapter every day (even though clearly it's already completed). 
> 
> I'm reposting some of my old fics from the many accounts I previously deleted over the past few years, so if you're familiar with my fics and want to request that I repost a certain old fave, feel free to message me at my tumblr: http://coolasamackerel.tumblr.com or comment on this post: http://coolasamackerel.tumblr.com/post/160488980276/danielles-nezushifree-fics and I'll be happy to consider reposting it! For both my new readers and my old guys, hope you enjoy the fic!! :D

If Makoto was even gay, he was into Haru, and Rin knew that.

            He leaned his head against the window of the train, the movements over the rails jostling Rin’s skull constantly against the glass so that the position was hardly comfortable, but the cool of the window pane felt good on his skin.

            He had already shed his jacket, though fall had just given way to winter, and the trees had already stripped bare of their leaves. A fever, probably, and Rin sighed, closing his eyes, pressing his hand to his burning forehead.

            His palm was clammy. He lowered it and wiped it on his jeans just as the train stopped, and with the sudden halt in velocity, his head smacked the window hard.

            “Fuck,” Rin muttered, standing up and walking off the train. He’d made this trip countless times before, hardly registered his steps to the familiar street.

            He’d wanted to meet Haru at the pool, but the asshole wasn’t picking up his phone. Typical, he was probably still in the bathtub. Rin weaved his fingers through his bangs, pushing them from his eyes, though the wind blew them back a second later. It felt good on his skin, the cool air, and he tied his jacket around his waist, regretting even bringing it.

            The ocean was beside the road where Rin walked, and he glanced at it, the way the sun glittered over its surface, making him squint. He’d never thought of it as sinister before, but now he couldn’t avoid the thought. The memory of Makoto’s quiet words had him biting his lip.

            It was no good, to keep thinking about him. Crazy, even, if Rin was being honest with himself.

            So the guy had gotten good looking over the years – who cared? There were lots of good looking guys. Take Sousuke – but the moment Rin thought of Yamazaki like that, he was grimacing. No way. That was just sick, the guy was like his brother.

            Makoto though… They’d never been close enough to be like brothers. Just friends, teammates more than anything, Makoto had always been closer to Haru, and anyway, Rin had always been closer to Haru too. Nanase was always there, the buffer between them, not that Rin ever thought of Haru like that. He’d never even noticed. He’d never even thought that being alone with Makoto was something he wanted.

            Rin groaned. He didn’t want it now either. He was being stupid, just surprised that the scrawny kid from elementary school had gotten hot. That his goofy grins had gotten charming. That his hands were so damn big, and Rin ran his own fingers through his hair again, imagining how warm Makoto’s palms were sure to be –

            “Stop it!” Rin snapped, at Haru’s – and Makoto’s – street now. He slammed his feet against each of Haru’s steps, needing to get some energy out. He couldn’t wait till he and Nanase were at the pool so he could submerge himself, wash these thoughts off his skin, let them dissolve in the chlorine.

            Haru’s door was open, as usual. The guy had no common sense.

            It was more than that, though, and Rin knew it. His door was always unlocked because Makoto streamed in and out as he pleased, just as Haru went next door whenever he wanted. Rin had seen the looks Makoto gave Haru – hadn’t they used to drive Rin crazy? He never knew why he even cared though, about the way Makoto looked at Haru.

            Well, now he knew. Rin shut his eyes tight, trying to get the image of Makoto’s small smile out of his head, before letting himself into Haru’s place.

            “Nanase!” he called, on entering, shoving off his shoes and annoyed that Haru wasn’t ready at the door, but of course he wasn’t. When did this kid make anything easy?

            “Rin?”

            That wasn’t Haru.

            Rin looked up from his shoes, and there was Makoto, in an apron and holding a spatula. He had something white and powdery smeared on his cheek – flour, maybe.

            “There’s something on your face,” Rin said, pointing, to distract Makoto in case his own cheeks were pink. They sure as hell felt like they were burning. What the hell was Makoto doing here in a freaking apron?

            “I didn’t know you were coming,” Makoto said, rubbing his cheek with his spatula-free hand – jeez, his hands really were big – and smiling.

            Rin looked away from his easy smile. Reminded himself that even though the guy had gone and gotten good looking, that was no reason to throw common sense out the window.

            Common sense being that Makoto was wearing an apron in Haru’s house like a freaking wife – could they be more married?

            “Yeah, well,” Rin muttered, forgetting why he was there too, and then he remembered, and blurted it out a little too loudly. “I had plans! Haru and I are going swimming!”

            Makoto blinked. His eyelashes were long. Rin gritted his teeth, annoyed at himself for even noticing.

            “I think he might have forgotten,” Makoto said, apologetically, like it was his fault, like he and Haru shared one mind or something. He tilted his head a little, smiled again, always smiling, Makoto was.

            Rin bit the inside of his cheek, rolled the skin between his teeth. He felt like he was intruding even though he was the one who was supposed to be here in the first place.

            “Right.”

            “He’s in the shower, and I’m trying to make pancakes,” Makoto said.

            It was four in the afternoon, but Rin didn’t point out that it was an odd time to be making breakfast, especially when they were most likely being made for someone who only ate mackerel every meal of the day.

            He couldn’t point it out, as Makoto was grinning again, absolutely inconsiderate, and Rin bit too hard on his cheek, felt the skin split and blood rush over his mouth.

            He winced, but luckily, Makoto had already turned around.

            “Come try some,” he called behind him, so Rin had no choice but to follow, eyes catching first on the bow Makoto had tied with the apron strings, then trailing up to the wide birth of Makoto’s shoulder blades, covered in the fabric of his white t-shirt.

            Rin had seen Makoto shirtless countless times. He had no right to be feeling hot at the sight of the guy when Makoto was fully clothed, and then Rin remembered his probable fever with relief.

            That was why he was hot, of course it was.

            The kitchen was even hotter and smelled like batter. As Rin passed the trashcan, he glanced in and saw three completely black pancakes.

            “I’m not so good at it,” Makoto said, slipping another sheepish grin between the breath of his laugh.

            Rin cleared his throat, hating Haru for every second more he spent in the shower, leaving Rin alone with Makoto for what felt like the first time in his life. Had they ever been alone together? He couldn’t remember. If they had, he wouldn’t have noticed it. It was only recently that he’d started noticing this guy, and it was so freaking annoying Rin was sure it would kill him.

            He sat at Haru’s table while Makoto started talking about school or the swim team or something, Rin wasn’t really listening, heard the familiarity of Makoto’s voice but didn’t bother distinguishing the words.

            He was watching Makoto closely, just his back again, as Makoto was facing the stove as he talked, though occasionally he’d glance over his shoulder and throw Rin another grin.

            Rin ignored these glances. He was trying to pick out Makoto’s flaws. The guy had to have some. And if Rin could just pick them out, focus only on the worst parts of Makoto, then he wouldn’t have to think about the way his thin t-shirt stretched over his shoulder blades, or the softness of his hair that was a little longer than usual now, shifted to get caught in his stupidly long eyelashes every time he looked back.

            “Oh,” came a quiet voice, and Rin was distracted from his scrutinizing – in which he’d located no flaws except for the fact that Makoto seemed capable of talking nonstop, not that Rin wasn’t enjoying the wash of his calming voice.

            Haru was standing some feet from the kitchen table in sweats and a t-shirt. His hair was wet, and he shook his head to get it out of his eyes as he stared at Rin.

            “Yeah, remember me?” Rin asked, annoyed, more at the fact that Makoto didn’t seem to have any flaws than the fact that Haru had forgotten their plans, but Haru didn’t need to know that.

            “Did we have plans?” Haru asked, mildly, unapologetically, of course.

            “Haru, you shouldn’t forget the plans you make with your friends,” Makoto said, scolding him like he wasn’t one of these friends, like he was above that rank, something more.

            Rin pressed his tongue to the cut on the inside of his cheek. It had swollen up slightly, the raised skin tender under his tongue.

            “Whatever, Nanase, doesn’t matter,” Rin muttered. “I think I’m getting sick anyway.”

            “We can go to the pool now,” Haru piped up, predictably.

            “You haven’t eaten anything since we got home from school!” Makoto objected, concerned caretaker, dutiful wife.

            Haru scrunched up his nose, shuffling to stand next to Makoto. Rin saw that he had no concept of personal space, was leaning against Makoto at the stove, cheek pressed against Makoto’s arm as he peered down at the pan. “That’s not mackerel.”

            “No, it’s not,” Makoto said, as Haru stepped back and leaned against the counter.

            “And it’s burnt,” he said.

            “That’s because you distracted me! This one was going to be good!” Makoto complained, but he turned the stove off, and after he tipped the pan over the garbage so a fourth blackened pancake joined the others, he put it in the sink, clearly having given up.

            “There’s mackerel in the fridge,” Haru said, and Makoto just gave him a look.

            One of their conversation looks. They could look at each other in silence and talk all day like that, Rin knew.

            He looked away from them. They fit together. It made sense. Rin didn’t even know why he suddenly felt anything for Makoto anyway. It was like having feelings for a happily married man completely out of the blue.

            Rin ran a hand through his hair and pulled on it, fingers curling into a fist, and closed his eyes. He was going to drive himself crazy.

            “Are you okay, Rin?”

            When Makoto was concerned, it wasn’t like other people. Rin knew he actually genuinely cared. What did Rin think he was doing, falling for such a good guy, someone as nice as Makoto? It hardly made sense. Rin would have been much better with an asshole, and he knew this well. Makoto was too frail, too easily broken, and it’s not like Rin knew how to be gentle, how to care about people the way Makoto did, how to put others first like that.

            “Yeah, yeah,” Rin said, tiredly. He let go of his hair, but before he could open his eyes, there was a warm palm against his forehead.

            It was not his own.

            Rin meant to flinch back, away from the contact of this unexpected warm skin, but he couldn’t move. Makoto’s hand was big, the edges of his fingers slipping into Rin’s hair.

            “You’re hot,” Makoto said, gently, voice nearly in his ear, so Rin knew the guy was standing right there.

            He took a breath, then opened his eyes just as Makoto removed his hand. Rin could feel his pulse over every inch of his skin. He wondered, vaguely, if Makoto had felt it, when he’d touched him.

            He felt a wave of heat over his skin that had nothing to do with his impeding fever.

            “Haru, he shouldn’t swim if he’s getting sick. We can stay in, play video games instead,” Makoto said.

            “Whatever,” Haru said. His face was in the fridge, and when he emerged, he held a Tupperware container of what was no doubt leftover mackerel. “It’ll make you better,” Haru said, when he noticed Rin looking at it.

            Rin didn’t quite trust himself to speak yet. The warmth from Makoto’s hand still hadn’t faded from his forehead, like it’d left an imprint.

            Makoto was taking off his apron, the cloth catching his hair as he pulled it over his neck. When he put it down he ruffled his hair with the hand that had just been on Rin’s forehead, as if to fix it, even though it just made him look more disheveled.

            Sexy, too, but Rin ignored this.

            “Come on,” Makoto said, to Rin, who followed him after a moment to Haru’s living room. He sat on the edge of the couch and watched Makoto crouch by the television, talking cheerily, obliviously, about the games Haru had, selecting one on his own when Rin offered no input.

            Rin attempted to compose himself, and thought he’d done a pretty good job of it until Makoto came and sat next to him, so close their legs touched even though he had a whole freaking half of the couch.

            Haru, Rin reminded himself. He was leaving space for Haru, this was nothing to do with any desire Makoto might have had to sit close to Rin.

            Rin laughed at the foolishness of the thought, accidentally out loud.

            “What’s so funny?” Makoto asked, turning to look at him.

            He was extremely close. Rin could see the small flecks of brown in his eyes. He’d never known they were there.

            “Um,” Rin said, trying to think, but if he only leaned forward a few inches, he’d be able to feel Makoto’s breath on his lips. An inch more, and they’d be kissing.

            And then Makoto was reaching out, his fingers touching Rin’s cheek before Rin could even wonder if he had passed out and was dreaming or not.

            “Your skin is pink. Do you feel all right?” Makoto was murmuring, eyebrows creased together in concern, like he cared in that moment about nothing else in the world but Rin’s well-being.

            If that was the case, Rin thought bitterly, the guy could have the decency to stop touching him like this. Didn’t the asshole know that he was the root of any sense of unwell Rin was feeling?

            “I’m fine,” Rin said, voice a little too gruff, but he ignored that and lifted his hand, knocking Makoto’s fingers from his skin by hitting his wrist.

            Makoto looked at him for another second, and the crease between his eyebrows didn’t entirely disappear even when Makoto smiled at him again, another small smile, like the ones he gave to Haru – what was he doing, offering one to Rin like this?

            “Okay, Rin,” Makoto said, voice curling around Rin’s name in a way that couldn’t be legal.

*

When Makoto and Rin stepped out of Haru’s house late that night, it was raining.

            By the time they made it to the bottom of Haru’s steps, it was pouring.

            Rin looked up at the sky, amazed at how much the world hated him.

            “Come on,” Makoto said, voice right against Rin’s ear, and Rin jumped back.

            “What?” he asked, then realized why Makoto had leaned in so close to him. Rin couldn’t even hear his own voice over the sound of the rain that was now pounding the streets, fists rather than droplets.

            “You’re sick,” Makoto said, leaning in again, hand wrapping around Rin’s wrist in a band of heat that contrasted with the chill of the rain covering every other inch of him. “You have to get out of the rain.”

            Makoto said it like it was obvious. Which it was. Why else would he be pulling Rin to his house? What other reason could there be for Makoto to be taking Rin back to his place, so late at night?

            Rin followed numbly. He could hardly see for the rain, but Makoto was right next door, and then they were in his house, but Makoto’s hand was still on Rin’s wrist like the boy was still guiding him despite the fact that they were standing still.

            Makoto’s house was warm and bright, and though the rain was muted, the house wasn’t any less noisy. There were voices coming from another room, close to the entryway, and Rin remembered Makoto’s family.

            “Come,” Makoto said, pulling him again, hand tightening on Rin’s wrist, not painfully.

            Rin looked at it. Their skin was almost the same color, but Makoto’s was a shade darker, prevented his fingers from simply blending straight into Rin’s wrist.

            “My shoes – ” Rin protested, even though he kept following Makoto.

            “It’s okay, your socks are probably just as soaked. Mine are,” Makoto said, and then they were entering a room.

            A bathroom. Their sneakers squelched on the tile.

            “You already have a fever,” Makoto said. “If you don’t get warm soon, you’ll get really sick. It’s storming out, you can’t go home. Get undressed and take a warm shower, I’ll bring you a towel and dry clothes,” Makoto said, all the while shedding clothing himself.

            First his sneakers, then his socks, pulled off and thrown on the tile in the corner. His jeans were off next, without warning, and then his t-shirt until he was standing there in his boxers, like it was nothing.

            And it was nothing. Rin had seen him in his swimsuit. What was the difference? Sure, his boxers stuck from the rain right against his skin, but swimsuits were skin-tight too.

            No difference, no difference.

            “Just put your clothes in a pile there, and don’t lock the door, so I can put your towel and dry clothes in here while you shower. Don’t worry, I won’t let my siblings come running in here, it’s about their bedtime anyway,” Makoto said, smiling, running a hand through his hair, and the rain slicked it back before it fell in clumps over his forehead again.

            He was completely rain-soaked and nearly naked, and Rin was hard and fully aware that his jeans were sticking to his skin from the rain.

            Not good.

            “Right, oh, yeah, okay, right,” Rin said, a jumble of words, discordant and abrupt after the soothing logic of Makoto’s deep voice.

            Makoto didn’t seem phased. He turned around and then he left, closing the door behind him. Rin stood perfectly still, the chill of his wet clothes pressed tight against his skin but doing nothing to keep the flashes of heat from rushing over him in quick waves. He stood still for another moment, then quickly stripped and got into Makoto’s shower, pulling the curtain behind him and staring down at himself.

            There was no way he was going to masturbate in Makoto’s shower. He pressed his palm over his lips and turned the shower on with his other hand, leaving the spray on cold to freeze out any urges, numb him and hopefully cancel out the hot flush of his skin that didn’t belong there.

            He should have been freezing. Definitely not hot. Definitely not burning.

            “Fuck,” he whispered, when he released his lips. He was shivering, could feel his bones shaking under his skin, but he still felt hot, so he didn’t adjust the water.

            He needed to distract himself. Looked around the shower and spotted the bottle of shampoo. Makoto’s shampoo. He picked it up, opened the cap with a flick of his shaking fingers, smelled the contents.

            It smelled like Makoto. He’d never even registered Makoto’s smell, but now it was obvious. He inspected the bottle, but there was no name for the scent offered. It just read “Men’s Shampoo/Conditioner – Damage preventing” under the brand name.

            Rin was pouring some onto his palm when he heard the door open. “Your towel and some clothes are on the toilet lid, Rin, I’m going to put your clothes to wash.”

            Rin turned as if he could see Makoto through the shower curtain, but of course he couldn’t. The curtain was dark green. Maybe the color of Makoto’s eyes, if the brown flecks were mixed in with the hazel of his irises like paint.

            Before Rin could say thanks, the door clicked again, closed.

            Rin slathered his hair with Makoto’s shampoo, rubbing it in until tiny bubbles coated his fingers. He tilted his face up to the cold spray, which had worked in the sense that he was distracted by the immediate need to jerk off in Makoto’s bathroom. At least there was that one success, but now Rin’s teeth were chattering, and he rinsed the shampoo from his hair as quickly as he could, then turned off the shower spray, shivering while he pulled open the curtain.

            He grabbed the towel Makoto had left for him, rubbing it quickly over his body before he realized that Makoto might have used this towel before, rubbed it over his wet, naked body as well, and he cursed himself, feeling warmth pool up in his lower abdomen in less than a matter of seconds.

            “Shit,” Rin muttered, staring down at himself. He pressed Makoto’s towel to his face and exhaled roughly into it.

            He stayed still for a moment, then lowered the towel and peeked down again, as if in some miracle his boner was gone, but it wasn’t – obviously.

            “Dammit,” Rin snapped, drying the rest of his body, deciding to just ignore it.

            He looked at the clothes Makoto had left him, pulled on a soft blue t-shirt that said, “Fishing for Life.” He couldn’t imagine where Makoto had gotten such a t-shirt. The kid didn’t even fish.

            After he pulled on the t-shirt, he saw that Makoto had not left him any boxers and wondered if this was a conscious choice or if he’d just forgotten.

            Then again, it had to be weird to share boxers. Of course it was a conscious choice. Who wore someone else’s underwear?

            The t-shirt was big, oversized on Rin’s shoulders so that the sleeves came nearly to his elbows and long so that it stretched down to his thighs, though something protruded against the fabric.

            Not just something. Rin closed his eyes and ran a hand through his wet hair. There was no way he could just ignore it. It’d protrude just as badly through the sweats Makoto had left him.

            “Fuck, fuck,” Rin muttered under his breath, glancing at the door before sitting on the edge of the closed toilet lid. He’d just take care of it quickly, no big deal, Makoto would definitely not know and Rin would definitely not be thinking about him.

            He pressed his slightly damp towel to his lips to cover any gasps he might make, closed his eyes, pulled Makoto’s t-shirt out of the way, and did what he had to do.

*

“You don’t look well,” Makoto said, when Rin slipped into his room, holding the towel in his hand.

            “Thanks,” Rin muttered, not quite looking at him.

            He hadn’t managed to stop himself from thinking about the asshole while he’d gotten off, but that was no surprise. Rin had been thinking about Makoto whenever he – well, took care of business – for a while now. He’d long since gotten used to it, was no longer alarmed by his own imagination. It just happened. A phase. It’d go away soon enough.

            Makoto was wearing a sweatshirt, but still hadn’t put on pants. He crossed the room quickly and peered at Rin so closely that Rin had no choice but to look at him.

            “You’re really flushed, more than before. How do you feel?” Makoto asked.

            “Fine!” Rin snapped, then regretted it, but Makoto didn’t seem offended.

            He just looked worried, and Rin felt bad for the guy. He was too nice for his own good, really.

            “There’s some medicine in the kitchen, go on and get some, I’m going to take a quick shower, okay?” he said, like Rin was going to protest.

            Rin shrugged, and then Makoto was pulling off his sweatshirt, so Rin looked away until he left.

            Rin stood in the middle of Makoto’s room and waited, hearing the faint sound of the shower spray turning on, and only then did he move, walking out Makoto’s door and creeping along the hallway to where he knew where Makoto’s kitchen was – where the voices were still coming from, though there were fewer now, the higher-pitched voices of Makoto’s younger siblings absent.

            Rin had only been in Makoto’s house a few times before, and usually not for long periods of time – to pick up Haru, for instance, or once at a sleepover back in gradeschool. He knew enough, however, to make it successfully to the kitchen, and he knocked sheepishly on the doorframe before entering, feeling incredibly awkward.

            “Hi,” he said, as both of Makoto’s parents were sitting at the kitchen table, talking.

            They turned and looked at him, Makoto’s father with the same jawline as his son, Makoto’s mother with the same kind eyes and smile that came too naturally.

            “Rin, honey, it’s been so long, look at you! You’ve grown so handsome!” she said. “Makoto said you’ll be staying over tonight, and it’s best, you shouldn’t go back out there in the storm.”

            Rin smiled at her, tucking strands of his still damp hair behind his ear. “Thank you,” he murmured. It wasn’t a mystery, where Makoto got his kindness, his tendency to care so much that Rin didn’t know how to react. “I don’t mean to bother you, Makoto just mentioned the medicine cabinet was in the kitchen.”

            “Are you sick? Your skin is flushed, do you have a fever?” Makoto’s father asked, standing up while his wife’s eyebrows creased in the same way that Makoto’s had.

            “I’m fine, really,” Rin mumbled, as Makoto’s father pulled a bottle from a cabinet over the sink and offered two Tylenol to Rin.

            “This should help.”

            “Thank you,” Rin replied, taking them as well as the glass of water he was offered next. He chugged the pills down, choking, unsure why he was so desperate to get away from Makoto’s parents, although he suspected it had a bit to do with what he’d just done in their son’s bathroom ten minutes before.

            Once the glass was empty, he moved to the sink to wash it but was shooed away by Makoto’s mother, who insisted he go on back to Makoto’s room and get some rest to get better as soon as possible, asking if he needed extra blankets as some could be taken from the twins, who were in bed but would not miss the blankets (Rin ardently assured her he would be fine with what Makoto had), making him promise to wake them if he needed anything in the night, and only after she enveloped him in a hug and took his face in her palms and again exclaimed that he’d gotten so handsome did Rin manage to flee back to Makoto’s room.

            Alone in Makoto’s room – Makoto was still in the shower – Rin walked around slowly, taking in the place where Makoto slept every night.

            He had only one poster, a blown-up picture of the ocean above his bed, which Rin stared at for a while, thinking about how Makoto must wake up every morning and face this fear, wondering if that was why he had it up there in the first place.

            Makoto’s bed was not made, a slight surprise – Rin had assumed Makoto was neat and tidy. On turning around, Rin noted Makoto’s dresser was a mess as well, a splay of books that, on inching closer, Rin saw were school books. The mirror above his dresser was also messy, framed in pasted photographs of his family and friends, and Rin began searching for his own face, finding it at eye level below a picture quite similar to it.

            The photograph with Rin was one he’d seen before, had a copy of somewhere as well, though he couldn’t remember what he’d done with it. It was their gradeschool swimming team: him, Nanase, Nagisa, and Makoto, standing there grinning and laughing, barechested with medals. The photograph pasted right above it was also Makoto with a laughing swim team, but this time, of course, Rin was not in it. It was the Iwatobi team, and Rin looked away from it, back at the picture with them as kids.

            He wondered if Makoto looked at this picture every morning, saw this kid version of Rin every day before he did anything else. Rin wasn’t sure how he felt about it. He was a kid, after all, laughing like an idiot, arm slung over Haru’s shoulders.

            Rin looked away from it, glancing again at Makoto’s books until his eyes caught on another picture, this one framed and shoved to the edge of his dresser, identical to the one Rin had just been scrutinizing but for two things.

            One – Rei had been pulled into the picture by Nagisa, and two – the boys were all older, as it had just been taken a few months before.

            Rin picked it up, looked at it closely. Again, his arm was slung over Haru’s shoulders. All of the boys were in nearly the same pose, actually, which Rin found strange. He looked just as happy as he had years before.

            “I love that picture,” Makoto said, quietly, and Rin nearly dropped the frame, spinning to see Makoto walking into the room, just his towel tied around his waist, his hair wet and dripping onto his face.

            “Yeah, it’s a good one,” Rin agreed, placing the picture back down as an excuse to look away from Makoto. “Haru’s not smiling, as usual.”

            Makoto laughed gently, and in the mirror, Rin watched him turn around so that his back was to both Rin and the mirror, and then the towel slipped off his waist.

            He should stop looking. Rin reminded himself this as he kept looking, watching Makoto step into a clean pair of boxers, pull them up. He’d had a tan line.

            Rin swallowed and turned away from the mirror, to Makoto, who was pulling on a t-shirt now, facing Rin again.

            “How are you feeling?” Makoto asked, ruffling his towel through his hair.

            Rin shrugged. “Got medicine. Your parents were super nice about me staying here. Worried about blankets and stuff.”

            “Yeah, they’re like that. Overprotective,” Makoto said, shrugging back. “Did you want more blankets though? We could steal from the twins, they don’t notice anything once they’ve fallen asleep.”

            “I’m fine,” Rin said, surprised that Makoto had said the same thing as his mother.

            “I only have the one,” Makoto said, pointing at his bed, a blue comforter bunched at the foot of it from the last time he slept, probably.

            Rin stared at his bed. He didn’t know if he was sleeping there or the floor. The floor, obviously, he thought shaking his head – they were two grown boys, much too big for Makoto’s bed.

            “And don’t worry, the bed looks small, but Haru and I have fit on it many times, we’ll be fine. Of course, we were younger, but still,” Makoto was saying like he’d read Rin’s mind, and Rin was forced to remember Haru.

            If Makoto had feelings for any of them, it would be Haru. That was obvious. That was clear. He was probably straight, anyway, not that Rin knew anything about it. He’d never talked about girls or guys with Makoto. He had no idea what Makoto thought about. If he even jacked off.

            His last thought made Rin feel hot again, and he cleared his throat as if the action would clear his mind as well. It didn’t.

            He thought of Makoto’s face, his expression, imagined his eyes would be closed, eyelashes fluttering, and his skin damp with sweat…

            “Rin,” Makoto was saying, and Rin blinked at him.

            “Uh, what?”

            “I was asking if you were tired. Tomorrow’s Saturday, so you can sleep in and stay as long as you want, but you look tired, so we can go to bed now. I’m tired too,” he said, smiling again, always smiling.

            That was Makoto. Kind Makoto. Concerned Makoto. Definitely-too-good-for-Rin Makoto. Not a good choice, Rin had to be insane to be falling for the guy.

            “Yeah, I guess,” Rin said. He wasn’t falling for him. This was his childhood friend. Like a brother, if anything, although the thought made his stomach turn, and he grimaced involuntarily.

            No, not quite like a brother. Not at all.

            “Did you want to brush your teeth first? There’s spare toothbrushes under the sink,” Makoto said, and it was not like Rin could say no, so he nodded and went to the bathroom again, closing the door behind him and digging around under the sink until he found one.

            As he brushed his teeth, he stared at himself in the mirror. His face was a little pink. His hair was mostly dry by then. He swam in Makoto’s t-shirt.

            He spat in the sink. Didn’t know what to do with his toothbrush, and held it awkwardly, staring into the mirror as if his reflection might know.

            His reflection glanced hopelessly back, and Rin shook his head, feeling stupid for worrying over a toothbrush. He was stalling and he knew it. He’d need the toothbrush the next morning, and so he left it on the side of the sink, then peed before heading back to Makoto’s room, where Makoto was sitting on his bed flipping through a magazine, wearing his glasses.

            Rin had never seen him in glasses.

            “You wear glasses?”

            “Oh, yeah,” Makoto murmured, taking them quickly off and shoving them on his nightstand, also throwing the magazine on the floor, and Rin saw it was about swimming. “Sometimes.”

            “I didn’t know that,” Rin said, watching him as Makoto stood up and passed him, heading to the door.

            “I’ll get the lights,” Makoto said, and Rin took his cue, walked around the bed to the side Makoto hadn’t been sitting on and got on it. The blanket had been pulled up from where it was bunched at the foot of the bed, and Rin slipped under it.

            His heart was beating too loudly, and he was acutely aware of this, as well as the sudden wetness of his palms, and then the light was off.

            Rin slipped lower on the bed, resting his head on one of Makoto’s pillows. It was a good thing he had two, or they’d have to share one, and Rin would definitely not be able to manage that.

            As it was, he jumped when he felt the bed sink under Makoto’s weight, the rustling of Makoto’s limbs and body so close to his own.

            Too close to his own.

            “Do you need anything, Rin?” Makoto asked, voice scarily close to Rin, who stayed stoically on his back, refusing to move, staring hard at the ceiling. The blanket was jostled as Makoto pulled it around him. If Rin reached his hand over an inch, he’d probably be touching the boy.

            “I’m good,” he said, voice cracking, and Rin closed his eyes tight, wanting to sink into the mattress.

            “Okay. Good night, Rin. Sleep well,” Makoto said, voice soft, and Rin relaxed.

            He imagined what it would be like, to hear Makoto telling him to sleep well when he went to bed every night. Imagined how it would feel for the presence of Makoto’s body beside his that Rin was too acutely aware of to just be natural, to just belong.

            Rin was certain he could even feel Makoto’s body heat. He listened to Makoto’s breaths, as he was holding his own. They were faster than he’d expected for a boy about to fall asleep.

            “Rin,” Makoto said suddenly, and there was a shuffling on his side of the bed, so Rin turned his head, found himself looking straight at Makoto, whose eyes were bright in the dark of the room, inches from Rin’s.

            Rin blinked, his heart jumping to his throat. He knew what Makoto was going to say. That Rin’s heartbeat was too loud, was shaking the entire bed, was keeping him awake.

            “Yeah?” Rin breathed, when Makoto didn’t say anything.

            Makoto kept looking at him. Rin couldn’t read his expression, and even though it was dark, his eyes had adjusted to the darkness by then. He saw clearly the familiar lines of Makoto’s face, his jaw, his chin, his nose, his lips.

            He forced himself to look back at Makoto’s eyes, got distracted with his eyelashes, looked away and got caught on Makoto’s lips again, the bottom of which Makoto was biting before he stopped and then they were moving with the murmured syllables of his words.

            “Nothing. Never mind,” he whispered, and then he smiled his small smile, but it looked a little different than usual.

            Maybe it was just the dark, distorting it. What did Rin know? And anyway, he couldn’t look at it long, as then Makoto was turning, lying on his back as well, so Rin resumed staring at the ceiling.

            He closed his eyes, listened to Makoto’s breaths again, then matched his own to his friend’s, focusing on keeping them in synch until he finally fell asleep.

*


	2. Chapter 2

When Rin woke, Makoto was still asleep. Rin was immediately aware of this for one main reason – Makoto’s fingers were on Rin’s waist.

            Rin knew they were there the moment he woke, not even needing to open his eyes. He could feel the warmth that did not belong to his own body, like sunlight staining his skin. He opened his eyes, tilted his head gently to see that Makoto was on his side facing him, hair splayed in a fluffy halo on his pillow, eyes closed and expression peaceful, lips open.

            Rin stared at him for a while, like this. He had never seen Makoto asleep before, and immediately wanted nothing but time to watch him like this, for the morning to never end and Makoto to never wake.

            He was really beautiful, Rin realized, and then he felt so stupid for thinking it that he sat up immediately, forbidding himself to keep staring despite how much he wanted to.

            As he sat up, Makoto’s fingers slipped, and Rin looked down at them, observed silently how Makoto’s arm had reached out in sleep, and his fingers had caught on the bare skin of Rin’s waist, as Makoto’s oversized t-shirt had risen up during the night to expose a sliver of his skin.

            It was just fingers on skin, and Makoto was unconscious, and it didn’t mean anything, but Rin didn’t move. With his gaze, he traced the tips of Makoto’s fingers to the largeness of his hands, followed up along his arm to Makoto’s body. The blanket had been kicked to the foot of the bed again. Rin hadn’t needed another one. Makoto’s body warmth had seeped into the mattress, and if anything, Rin had been hot. Burning. Feverish.

            He laid back down, slowly, careful not to disturb Makoto’s fingers with his movements. He laid still for a long while, considered moving closer to Makoto, just sliding practically imperceptibly to his left, so that more of Makoto’s fingers would stain more of his skin.

            He considered this as he looked at sleeping Makoto, and he was still considering when Makoto stirred, the first thing to move his fingers, fluttering on Rin’s waist and tickling him, though Rin stayed tremendously still.

            The next part of Makoto to move were his feet. Rin could feel the shuffle of them, the way the mattress moved by his own feet. And then Makoto’s face moved, cheek sliding on the pillow, only a little bit, so that his chin tucked closer to his chest, hair fluttering on the pillowcase.

            His lips did not move. His eyes did not move. And then he was still again, and Rin thought he would stay still until he felt the patter of Makoto’s fingers tickling him again, and then Makoto’s entire body was shifting, his left shoulder folding closer to Rin so that Makoto was more on his stomach than his side, and not only his fingers but his entire hand fell against Rin’s waist, fingers mixing in the bunched fabric of his own t-shirt that Rin wore. Makoto’s lips moved, slightly.

            Rin had stopped breathing entirely, and then Makoto’s eyes opened.

            Both boys laid perfectly still. Rin thought about pretending to be asleep. He definitely should, but he didn’t close his eyes in time, and then Makoto’s face was tilting back up on his pillow, and he was looking at Rin, and Rin was caught staring at him with nothing to do but blink and try to think of something to say.

            There was something people said, in the mornings. Wasn’t there? Rin couldn’t remember.

            “Good morning,” Makoto said, lightly, more to his pillow, it seemed, than to Rin.

            Ah, yes. That was the thing people said.

            Rin cleared his throat. “Morning,” he muttered.

            Makoto hadn’t moved his hand. He had to have realized that. It was all Rin could think about, after all, surely Makoto was somewhat aware of his own body now that he was awake.

            “You’re still hot,” Makoto said, and Rin felt his chest constricting in what was surely some kind of fit until he remembered his fever, and the fact that his face was probably burning red right now.

            “Right,” Rin agreed.

            Makoto blinked at him, then pulled back his hand, and Rin turned away from him, clenching and unclenching his jaw, feeling incredibly jittery and not wanting Makoto to know, to see it in his face.

            “Sorry,” Makoto said, softly, and Rin peeked at him out the sides of his eyes.

            “Oh. No. It’s, um – It’s fine, whatever. You were asleep, so…”

            “Yeah,” Makoto said. He’d pulled his hand to his chest, held it in a fist against his heart, and Rin wondered if Makoto could still feel the warmth of his own skin inside the palm he had closed.

            Rin sat up again, and Makoto stared up at him, not sitting up, looking at him from his pillow through his eyelashes.

            Rin felt embarrassed and didn’t know why. It wasn’t like he’d done anything. He just laid there with Makoto’s hand on him.

            Thinking about it like that made him more embarrassed. He pulled his knees to his chest.

            “You could have moved away,” Makoto said, after a moment, and Rin wasn’t sure what he was talking about at first. Was Makoto talking about the hand on Rin’s waist? He had to be. What else could he be talking about?

            But Rin didn’t know why he was talking about it. Wouldn’t Makoto want to drop it more than anyone? It was just an accident. Something that happened. Rin understood that, didn’t know why Makoto would bring it up again, not if he was embarrassed about it.

            “What?” Rin said, because he had to be wrong, Makoto couldn’t have been talking about his hand on Rin’s waist, maybe Rin had imagined the words wrong altogether. He felt like he was going crazy. He could still feel Makoto’s skin on his like it was still there, and it obviously wasn’t.

            Makoto finally sat up. He looked at Rin for a long time, and his eyes seemed heavier in the morning, somehow, and then he looked at his lap. “Nothing. Never mind, Rin,” he said, quietly. Confusedly, almost, but what did he have to be confused about?

            Rin was the one who had the right to be confused. Confused as to why Makoto was acting so strangely, but then Makoto was smiling his Makoto Smile, glancing back up and tilting his head in his concerned Makoto way.

            “Are you hungry, Rin? We should have breakfast,” he was saying, and Rin shrugged because he wasn’t particularly hungry, but he didn’t know how to say no when Makoto was looking at him like that with his hair ruffled from sleep, folds of his pillowcase still creased into his cheek.

*

**r u dead?**

            Rin ignored the message from Sousuke, looking back out the window of the train, but that just had him thinking about Makoto again, and the way Makoto looked when he was sleeping, so he sighed and looked at his phone again.

            **No. stayed at makoto’s.**

            The moment he sent it, he regretted it. He should have said Haru’s. He never stayed at Makoto’s. That was suspicious.

            But then, it’s not like they’d even done anything suspicious. It’s not like Sousuke had a reason to feel suspicion. Rin never told him anything about his feelings for Makoto, which weren’t feelings anyway.

            He found the guy hot. Everyone did. It was hard not to, and hardly a big deal, and there was no way Rin was going to tell Sousuke this because it didn’t even matter.

            **:)**

            Rin stared at the smiley emoji, felt his stomach drop. Why was Sousuke sending a smiley emoji? Did he know something about how Rin felt?

            No. He couldn’t. He wasn’t smiling about the fact that it was Makoto’s place, he was smiling about the fact that Rin wasn’t dead.

            Rin closed his eyes. He hated emojis and Sousuke’s constant use of them. The guy had an obsession. He needed help.

            When the train stopped, Rin got off and immediately pulled his jacket closer to his body. He was no longer warm, but freezing cold. Makoto had washed all of his clothes, so Rin was wearing the same thing he’d had on the day before, and he couldn’t imagine how he’d been burning in these clothes when now he could hardly keep his teeth from chattering.

            He walked quickly to the academy, swiping his card and stepping into his dorm room to see Sousuke lounging on the bottom bunk, on his phone.

            Probably playing Fruit Ninja or another one of those stupid games. Another one of Sousuke’s many vices.

            “Yo,” Rin said, leaning against the door he closed behind him. He was exhausted, even though he’d hardly done anything the day before. It felt like it’d been weeks since he’d been in his own room.

            Sousuke glanced up. “Wearing the same clothes. Walk of shame,” he said, before turning back to his phone, which was good, as Rin felt himself grow hot.

            He shed his jacket quickly and threw it off him before stripping the rest of the clothes, throwing them in his hamper even though they’d just been washed.

            They still felt dirty. Contaminated by Makoto’s clothes that they’d swirled next to in the wash.

            After pulling on a different t-shirt and sweats, Rin sat at his desk and scrolled the screen of his laptop, not even looking at it, just needing something to do.

            “Why were you at Makoto’s?” Sousuke asked mildly, and when Rin looked at him it was to see the guy still hadn’t looked up from his phone.

            “I went to swim with Haru. Makoto lives next door,” Rin said, avoiding the question.

            Sousuke looked up. “Yeah, but why did you spend the night at Makoto’s?”

            “Does it matter?” Rin snapped. “Who cares, they’re both my friends!”

            Sousuke blinked. “It didn’t matter, no,” he said slowly, after a moment, and then he sat up, having to duck his head a bit so it wouldn’t hit the top of the bottom bunk. “But now that you’re reacting so weirdly, yeah, it kind of matters.”

            “Jesus,” Rin muttered, weaving his fingers through his hair and looking away from Sousuke, at his laptop screen. He glanced at his phone, but there were no messages.

            He didn’t even know what he was waiting for. Makoto to text him? And say what? Nothing had even happened, and nothing was going to happen, and Rin didn’t want anything to happen anyway.

            “Shit,” Rin cursed, annoyed with himself, Sousuke, Makoto, even Haru. If Nanase had just remembered their plans, none of this would have happened.

            Not that anything had happened! Rin closed his eyes, tightened his fingers in his hair.

            “Did you get in a fight with Nanase?” Sousuke asked, after a moment, his voice lower, more serious.

            He was concerned. It just reminded Rin of Makoto, always concerned, eyebrows creased.

            But it wasn’t like Makoto was only concerned for Rin. He cared about everyone. He was kind to everyone. He would have let anyone sleep in his freaking bed, stretched out his fingers unconsciously to graze anyone’s skin –

            “Rin,” Sousuke was saying, and Rin opened his eyes. Sousuke had stood up from the bunk, was sitting on his own desk chair now, which he’d rolled over closer to Rin’s.

            Rin glared at him. “What?” he snapped.

            “You don’t have to talk about it, then,” Sousuke said, cautiously.

            “Talk about what? Nothing happened!” he shouted.

            Sousuke leaned back. “Okay, Matsuoka. No need to shout.”

            “Shut up,” Rin mumbled, embarrassed. He’d forgotten Sousuke had asked about Haru. Let him think he and Haru got in a fight. That was easier, anyway.

            “You look kind of hot and bothered, that’s all.”

            Rin ground his teeth together. “I’m not,” he said, without unclenching his jaw.

            “Yeah, okay,” Sousuke said casually, like he didn’t care, but Rin knew he did.

            Because that’s what friends did. They cared. And Makoto caring didn’t make him any more than a friend.

*

It was three hours later, when Rin asked.

            “Why’d you send the smiley face?” he said, looking up from his math textbook that he wasn’t reading anyway.

            “Hm? What?” Sousuke asked. He was doing sit-ups on the floor, and Rin turned to watch him. His form was uneven, and he kept leaning a bit to the left as he went up.

            “The smiley face,” Rin said. “The text.”

            Sousuke did three more sit-ups, then stopped, laid on the floor and looked up at the ceiling before tilting his face in Rin’s direction.

            “When?” he asked. His chest was heaving.

            Rin wanted to just tell him to forget it, but he found himself continuing. “This morning, you texted me asking if I was dead. And then you sent a smiley face.”

            Sousuke frowned, then rolled onto his side and sat up, leaning against the bed and draping his arms on his cocked knees. “Well, I only sent that after you confirmed you weren’t dead.”

            “So that’s why you sent it,” Rin said, not letting himself feel relief just yet.

            “You know, you’re not making much sense here, Matsuoka,” Sousuke said, watching him carefully.

            Rin took a deep breath, let it out slowly. “Did you send the smiley face because you were relieved I wasn’t dead, or because…” Rin trailed off. It wasn’t like he could say it. It wouldn’t make any sense, because Sousuke had no reason to be happy that Rin was at Makoto’s.

            “Do I get a second option here?” Sousuke asked.

            “Forget it,” Rin muttered, ducking back down to stare at his textbook. He felt so stupid. At least he wasn’t feeling hot anymore. The pills the Tachibana’s had given him had worked wonders, even though Rin knew it was just standard stuff. Maybe it had just been a twenty-four-hour thing.

            “Hmm, is this about Makoto?” Sousuke asked, airily, like he didn’t care one way or the other, and Rin glanced up at him.

            “What is that supposed to mean?” he asked, not quite angrily. Sounding more scared than anything, if he thought about it, so he decided not to think about it.

            “Anything you want it to mean,” Sousuke said, adding a small grin. It wasn’t mocking. It was kind.

            Rin closed his textbook. Ran his hand through his hair. Bit the inside of his cheek, but it was still sore from the day before, and he winced. “Ow.”

            “Rin.”

            “What?” Rin snapped.

            “I mean, you know, I don’t really care. I mean, I care, because I care about you, but I don’t care as in… You know,” Sousuke said, even though Rin didn’t know.

            “What?” he repeated, and Sousuke looked up at the ceiling for a while, then wrinkled his nose and looked back at Rin, shrugging.

            “You talk in your sleep, you know. I’ve told you that before,” Sousuke said, almost apologetically.

            Rin froze. He felt a horrible swooping in his stomach, and he didn’t want to know why, he didn’t want to know what Sousuke had heard.

            Nothing, probably. What was there to hear? Nothing, definitely nothing, and dreams meant nothing anyway.

            “Dreams mean nothing, anyway,” Rin said, attempting the excuse on Sousuke, who widened his eyes and nodded.

            “Oh, yeah, no, they don’t,” Sousuke agreed, enthusiastically, and Rin knew Sousuke would let him keep up this charade if he wanted.

            Rin didn’t know what he wanted. He pressed his face into his hands and groaned.

            “It’s okay,” Sousuke said.

            Rin groaned louder.

            “Okay, we’ll stop talking about it,” Sousuke said, over Rin’s groan, but Rin didn’t feel relieved.

            He didn’t want to stop talking about it. They’d hardly even talked about anything.

            He lifted his face. “So that’s why you sent the smiley face,” he said.

            “Rin! Stop talking about the stupid freaking smiley face, you’re analyzing it way too much, I just sent it because I felt like sending it!” Sousuke snapped.

            “It’s your fault for sending those stupid emojis! Stop sending them! I hate them!” Rin snapped back.

            Sousuke glared, then his expression softened. “Okay, whatever, we can change the subject.”

            “I’m not changing the subject!”

            “It’s fine.”

            “I want to talk about it! Let’s talk about it! I’m in fucking love with Makoto! There, see? I can talk about it!” Rin shouted, then realized what he was shouting, and stopped shouting immediately.

            Sousuke blinked at him, then raised his eyebrows.

            “That was – I mean, that’s not – I’m not, that was stupid, I don’t know why I said that, because I’m not. You know,” Rin mumbled.

            He didn’t love Makoto. What a stupid thing to say. An even stupider thing to shout.

            “Mmm,” Sousuke said, not really saying anything, nodding in a way that didn’t even look like a nod, just a jerk of his head.

            “You said you didn’t care!” Rin snapped.

            “I don’t!” Sousuke said immediately, holding up his hands defensively.

            “Then say something!”

            “What – I don’t – What do you want me to say?” Sousuke asked, helplessly, and Rin glared at him before realizing he had no reason to be angry.

            He sighed, loudly, feeling his lungs deflate completely, his shoulders hunch inwards. “I’m not in love or whatever. I just, it’s a physical thing, really, is all,” he said, sighing again, looking anywhere but Sousuke.

            “Okay.”

            “And even that, whatever. He’s tall, that’s really all that’s noticeable. And the swimming helps with physique – it’s nothing particular to him, his name probably just – I could have been dreaming about anything, really, racing him or anything.”

            “Okay.”

            “So really it was stupid of you to assume anything because he’s my friend, and I dream about all of my friends – I mean, not like that! I don’t – that’s not – harmless friend dreams, we just do friend stuff, swim and shit, it’s just a normal dream, is all,” Rin rambled, though it was obvious to him that Sousuke must have heard something that was more than just friend shit to have even mentioned it.

            Rin had no idea what he said in his dreams. He hardly knew what he dreamt about the next morning. The thought of what he could have been saying about Makoto was mortifying, so he tried not to think about it.

            “Okay,” Sousuke said again.

            “You should really stop saying that.”

            “Oka—Right. Uh huh.”

            “Oh my god!” Rin shouted, because he’d just realized something before he had a chance to yell at Sousuke again.

            “What?” Sousuke asked wildly, looking alarmed, staring around the room like Rin had noticed a burglar.

            It was worse than a burglar.

            “Oh my god,” Rin repeated. He wanted to die. He didn’t even know if he felt hot or cold – neither. He was numb, completely numb.

            “What?” Sousuke demanded, standing up.

            “I slept at Makoto’s,” Rin said, grasping his textbook because he needed to grab onto something.

            “What? So?” Sousuke asked. 

            “So I slept at Makoto’s! Sousuke, what have I said? You need to tell me everything I’ve ever said in any of my dreams about Makoto!” Rin demanded. He no longer cared what Sousuke had heard. What did it matter what Sousuke heard? It mattered what Makoto heard, that’s what mattered – Rin felt like his chest was constricting, and it was getting hard to breathe.

            “Oh. _Oh,_ ” Sousuke said, unhelpfully, looking pale in the face, which was even more unhelpful.

            “Sousuke!”

            “Um, okay. Uh, I’m sure you didn’t – I mean it’s never anything too, you know. It’s just, enough to realize… Well some of it actually…”

            “Sousuke!” Rin shouted again, about to throw his textbook at the kid.

            Sousuke grimaced. “Remember you told me to tell you.”

            “Just tell me!”

            “It’s just, you know… General… Like,” Sousuke said, not giving any examples.

            Rin took a deep breath. He needed to stay calm, or he’d never get any information from this guy.

            “Sousuke, just tell me. I just need to know. Just tell me,” Rin said, calmly, making his voice stay even.

            Sousuke’s grimace deepened, and then he closed his eyes. “Okay, you say things like ‘Touch me, Makoto,’ and then worse things than that, dirty talk kind of things, mostly, and you’re loud, too, so it’s not like I want to listen, I was startled more than anything at first, but now I can just ignore it, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to hear any of it, but yeah,” he said, a rush of words, a jumble of syllables, and Rin wished he hadn’t been able to understand him, but he had.

            He’d understood quite clearly, and felt the blood draining from his face, making him dizzy.

            “Oh god.”

            “Maybe he’s a deep sleeper!” Sousuke shouted, like he was trying to make up for the information he’d just offered, like anything could make up for what he’d just said.

            “How often?” Rin asked weakly.

            “What?”.

            “How often do I say this shit? Jesus, Yamazaki, you never even mentioned it! You should have freaking told me!” Rin shouted.

            Sousuke winced some more, not helping.

            “How often?” Rin demanded again.

            Sousuke looked at his feet. “Recently? Every night,” he mumbled.

            Rin covered his eyes with his hand. “Shit,” he whispered.

            “Makoto is a girl’s name! You could just, if he ever brings it up, it could be another Makoto! A girl!” Sousuke yelled.

            Before Rin could inform him how stupid that idea was, there was a knock on the door, and Rin pressed his hand closer to his eyes, as if the less he could see, the more likely it was the rest of the world would disappear.        

            “I’ll get that,” Sousuke said, and Rin listened, heard the door opening after a second.

            “Hi, Yamazaki-senpai! I just heard a lot of yelling, and I – ”

            “Get out!” Rin shouted, throwing his textbook behind him at the door.

            Nitori gave a small yelp.

            “Sorry about that, he’s very stressed about, ah, math,” Sousuke said, cheerfully, and then the door was closing, and Rin winced.

            He shouldn’t have done that.

            “You shouldn’t have done that. To Nitori? What did he do?”

            “Shut up, I know, I feel like shit, I’ll go apologize,” Rin muttered, removing his hand from his face and standing up, his body feeling heavy.

            “He was very upset,” Sousuke said.

            “Didn’t I tell you to shut up?”

            “Right. That you did,” Sousuke said, giving Rin a quick smile as Rin passed him to get out the door and track down Nitori.

            Rin tried to smile back, but he was pretty sure all he could manage was a grimace.

*

It was completely understandable, in Rin’s opinion, that he couldn’t sleep.

            He doubted he’d ever be able to sleep again. He wouldn’t let himself. Not when he knew the kind of shit that came out of his mouth when unconsciousness hit.

            What was wrong with him?

            “Shit,” Rin cursed, hitting the wall with his fist when his phone glowed 2:12am.

            “This is why I didn’t tell you,” Sousuke murmured.

            “Why are you awake?” Rin demanded. He didn’t need Yamazaki lying awake thinking about what Rin was thinking about Makoto.

            “Your sleep talking has become a sort of lullaby, actually,” Sousuke said, and Rin could hear the stifled grin through his words.

            He ground his teeth. “I’ll come down there and beat the shit out of you, Yamazaki,” he warned, but really, he was relieved.

            Nothing had changed between them. He was so relieved, and felt bad for how relieved he was. It wasn’t like he’d thought Sousuke was a bad person, he just didn’t know if he’d understand.

            Rin didn’t even understand, and they were his own feelings.

            “Yeah, yeah, I know,” Sousuke said.

            At 2:18am, Rin figured Sousuke would still be awake. “Hey,” he said, testing.

            “Mm,” Sousuke’s voice came.

            Rin rolled onto his back, stared at the ceiling. “I know I said this before, but I just want you to understand. It’s just a physical thing. It’s not like I care about him. I mean – I do care about him because he’s my friend, so obviously I’m gonna care about him, but it’s just in the friend way,” he said, quietly, listening to his own words as he spoke them like he was trying to convince himself and not just Sousuke.

            Sousuke didn’t say anything, and Rin wondered if he’d fallen asleep.

            But then – “That’s okay, Rin.”

            Rin closed his eyes. He didn’t know if Sousuke believed him or not.

            Probably not. Rin didn’t believe himself. But he had to, because it wasn’t like Makoto was going to fall for him. The thought was absurd, almost made Rin laugh out loud.

            It would be easier, if it was just a physical thing. It’d make more sense, because Rin had no business being with a guy like Makoto anyway.

            It’d hurt less, to get over him, if it wasn’t anything real in the first place.

*


	3. Chapter 3

This time, when Rin got off the train, he headed straight for the pool, yawning.

            When Haru had texted him earlier, Rin had demanded they meet there. He wasn’t about to risk running into Makoto again.

            Halfway through his yawn, Rin cut himself off with a sneeze, then another, then another. He groaned afterward, out of breath and in need of a tissue.

            “Fuck,” he mumbled, shoving his hands in his jacket pockets and coming up tissue-less.

            He sniffed loudly, in sight of the pool where he and Haru had swam in gradeschool, then was forced to wipe his nose on his sleeve.

            He was disgusted by his own trail of shining snot, and walked into the building with his arm slightly outstretched, yawning again.

            He’d hardly gotten any sleep the night before, and he blamed Makoto, that asshole.

            At least, with his lack of sleep, he couldn’t have done too much sleeptalking.

            Rin grimaced at the thought of his own sleeptalking as he walked into the locker room.

            “Have you been crying?” Nanase asked, naked in front of him.

            Rin looked away, aware that his nose was probably red. “No,” he snapped. “I’m sick.”

            “You’re going to contaminate the water,” Haru said.

            “That’s what the chlorine is for! Chemicals to get rid of germs or something. Why are you changing anyway, don’t you always wear your swimsuit under your clothes?” Rin grumbled.

            “I went shopping with Makoto this morning and got a new swimsuit. I want to try it out,” Haru said, and on glancing back at him as Rin stripped his own clothing, Rin noted that the “new” swimsuit was, of course, absolutely identical to all of his others.

            “Do you like it?” Haru asked, sincerely.

            Rin rolled his eyes. “Yeah, it’s great, Nanase.”

            “Makoto said you slept at his place yesterday. You could have just stayed at mine,” Haru said, and Rin nearly tripped as he stepped into his own swimsuit.

            “Um, yeah. Well. What else did he say?”

            “Who?” Haru asked, and Rin turned around again, dressed successfully and clenching his fingers tight around his goggles.

            “Makoto!”

            Haru blinked at Rin, then shrugged. “I don’t know. A bunch of stuff. He wanted me to get a different kind of swimsuit, but I said no, and he said that all of mine looked the same, and I said – ”

            Rin pinched the bridge of his nose. “Nanase, shut up.”

            “You’re the one who asked what else he said.”

            “I meant about me!” Rin snapped, then regretted it immediately, busying himself with placing his goggles on his head. It was a natural gesture, reflexive, easy, but for some reason Rin couldn’t get the rubber to sit right at the back of his head, and as he was yanking it back off, he tugged out several strands of hair. “Ow, shit.”

            Haru watched Rin with that emotionless gaze of his, and Rin felt uncomfortable under it, turned and led them out the locker room so Haru couldn’t stare at him like that anymore.

            “Why would Makoto say anything about you?” Haru asked, at the pool.

            Rin ground his teeth. “Forget it, Nanase, let’s just race,” he snapped, because it wasn’t like Haru could argue with that.

            Haru looked at him for a moment more, than shrugged and, predictably, dropped the subject.

            It was a relief, to be under water. Feel the cool of it on his hot skin – guess his fever had lingered, after all. But his sinuses didn’t seem clogged, under water, and he no longer felt dizzy.

            Here, he was sure of himself, and Rin swam as hard as he did in any race, as fast as he did in any competition.      

            He wanted his muscles to be sore, afterward. He needed a new kind of pain to distract himself.

*

“Coming back to my place?” Haru asked, hours later.

            Rin rung out his hair on the floor of the locker room, then pulled off his goggles. He shivered even though they kept the locker rooms at a warm temperature.

            He was getting pissed off at his constantly fluctuating temperatures. He was starting to suspect he’d never feel comfortable again.

            “Nah, I should get back.”

            “Okay,” Haru said, and then they were walking out. The sun had lowered while they swam, and Rin felt only colder, wishing he’d bothered to dry his hair more successfully. It clung to his cheeks and neck, chilling his skin, so he raised his arms up to tie it, but when he dragged his fingers over his wrist, he didn’t come in contact with his hair band.

            “Ah, fuck,” he muttered, dropping his damp locks and checking his pockets, but there was nothing in them – he already knew that.

            Rin didn’t know what he’d done with it. He always had a hair band on his wrist. Where had it even gone? 

            He sighed loudly. It felt as though he was unraveling, and maybe Rin knew he was being dramatic, but it didn’t feel that way.

            He was exhausted and freezing, and it all came back to Makoto, didn’t it?

            “There’s something wrong,” Haru said, as they got to the train station.

            “What?” Rin muttered, looking around, not altogether surprised that something else would be wrong. Maybe they’d cancelled all the trains that night. Typical. Why shouldn’t something else get messed up?

            “I don’t know. You tell me,” Haru said, and Rin stared at him, confused and annoyed because he was in no mood to deal with one of Nanase’s riddles.

            If Makoto was there, he would understand whatever Haru was rambling about, but Rin shook the thought off. His skin itched, flashes of heat skimming over the goosebumps. How was it even possible to be hot and cold at the same time?

            “What are you talking about, Nanase?” Rin sighed, when Haru didn’t elaborate.

            “You’re acting weird. And your form was horrible,” Haru pointed out.

            “What? No, it wasn’t – I beat you!”

            “Yeah, cause I stopped swimming to watch you. You were flailing around,” Haru said, unapologetically, bluntly like he said everything.

            He could be such an asshole, this Nanase, Rin thought, grinding his teeth.

            “Well, I’m sick. Get off my back.”

            “I’m being concerned,” Haru snapped back, sounding almost angry.

            This was not how concerned was supposed to be. Rin would have thought, with all the time Haru spent with Makoto, that he’d have picked up some tips on how to actually be concerned like a real friend.

            Rin sighed. Haru was a real friend, and Rin knew he was being unfair, being pissed at him, blaming him. It wasn’t Haru’s fault Makoto was closer with him.

            It was Rin’s fault, probably. He and Makoto were too different. Makoto was kind, always put his friends first, and here Rin was, thinking that Haru was an asshole when the guy was showing him concern – albeit, the strange Nanase version of concern – but concern nonetheless.

            Makoto was gentle and kind and good, so good it should have annoyed Rin. Who was that nice all the time?

            It just made Rin look like more of an asshole, but Rin didn’t care. There was something so sincere in Makoto’s smiles, and Rin would do anything for one of them, and that was the truth, that was what it was.

            He wasn’t just good looking. Makoto was good, and Rin craved that, maybe because he was missing it himself – what did he know? He hardly felt like he was qualified to self-analyze anyway.

            “Are you even listening?” Haru demanded, reminding Rin of his presence.

            “What? Oh. Yeah,” Rin said, then yawned while Haru watched him with narrowed eyes.

            “So, are you going to tell me what’s wrong with you?” Haru asked, after a moment, just as angrily.

            He seriously needed to work on his concern tactics.

            Rin gestured lamely. “Nothing. It’s stupid.”

            Haru glared at him for another minute. “You’re just like Makoto,” he finally said, which was news to Rin, who’d just reminded himself exactly how different they were, after all.

            “I’m not.”

            “He’s being all secretive about whatever’s been wrong with him lately, too. It’s annoying,” Haru grumbled.

            Rin wanted to ask how Haru knew there was something wrong with Makoto – what had Makoto said? What did Makoto do? What was Haru talking about? But Rin side-stepped his own questions for an accusation. “But you can read his mind! Makoto has no secrets from you.”

            Haru only looked more annoyed. “Just because you’re always saying that doesn’t make it true. Nobody can read minds, Matsuoka. It’s impossible.”

            Rin shook his head, unconvinced. “Yeah, but it’s different with you and Makoto. It’s always been different with the two of you,” he said, voice dropping at the end too softly for his own taste.

            Rin cleared his throat and looked away from Haru, searching for the train. Why was it taking so long?

            “Is that why you’re upset?” Haru asked, after a moment, and Rin glanced back at him.

            “What? No! I’m not upset!”

            “Because that would be stupid. Just cause Makoto and I are close doesn’t make you any less important to me,” Haru said, all serious, and Rin couldn’t help it – he laughed.

            Of course Nanase would make things about him.

            “Why are you laughing?” Haru demanded, eyes flashing.

            “Nothing, nothing. You’re right, I shouldn’t be jealous of Makoto,” Rin said, laughing again.

            “You’re so annoying. Both of you, you know that?” Haru asked, bitter, apparently, so Rin stopped laughing. “If it was me with something making me upset, you’d both be on my back until I spit it out. You don’t think I care about you guys too? But Makoto just lies and says everything is fine, and now you’re lying too. Why do you guys think you can do that?” Haru demanded, talking a lot about something not water-related, which was unexpected enough in itself, not to mention the content.

            Rin blinked, surprised. Guilt was immediate and unexpected – Haru was right. If he was the one acting weird, Rin would badger him until he coughed it up.

            “Ah, jeez. It’s nothing, Haru,” Rin said, sheepish now that he’d made Haru worry about something so stupid as a crush – because that’s all it was, an unrequited crush at that, but Rin cut off his thoughts right there.

            “Stop saying that,” Haru said, stubbornly.

            Rin ran a hand through his hair. “Okay. Fine. I like – I have a crush.” Saying it out loud sounded stupider than Rin had expected. He felt five years old.

            “What?” Haru asked, pissing the hell out of Rin for making him repeat himself.

            “You don’t know what a crush is, Nanase?” Rin demanded.

            “I said ‘What’ out of shock, not confusion,” Haru replied, looking relatively unshocked despite his statement.

            He was scrutinizing Rin again, and Rin felt the hot flashes over his skin dig deeper, slip into his chest.

            “Whatever, it’s not a big deal.”

            “I didn’t know you liked people.”

            “What is that supposed to mean?” Rin bristled.

            Haru scratched his cheek. “I thought all you thought about was swimming,” he said. “Not having crushes on people.”

            Rin was annoyed at him for still using the word. And besides, wasn’t Nanase the one with the unnatural water obsession? “I’m not a robot! I have feelings, you know, jeez,” he muttered.

            “Okay,” Haru said, still staring at him like he was expecting more of an explanation.

            Like hell he was getting one.

            “Anyway,” Rin said, eager for a change in subject, “you should find out what’s wrong with Tachibana. It’s weird for him to be upset. Not that I even noticed, but whatever.”

            “Is it Makoto?” Haru said.

            “What?” Rin asked, and then the train was there, rumbling in and coming to a stop, the doors opening.

            People were boarding. Rin walked forward.

            “Is it him, Rin?” Haru asked, and Rin stared back at him, unsure what he was asking.

            Was Haru asking if Makoto was his crush? How would he even know? Rin had never said anything about it, never acted on it, there were no hints at all, and Rin was certain of this. What the hell would Nanase know about it?

            Haru had followed Rin to the door of the train, where people were bunched, clamoring to get on after their work shifts and get home.

            “Why would you ask me that?” Rin demanded. He felt cold now, no surprise there.

            Haru didn’t say anything, and then Rin was being pushed forward, and he didn’t protest.

            He got on the train, found a seat, but didn’t manage one by the window, so he stared at his lap as the train finally lurched forward, trying to figure out what Haru knew, how Haru knew it, and all the while ignoring the tremor of his pulse.

            Because whatever Haru knew, Makoto knew. It didn’t matter what Haru said, Rin was right – they could read each other’s minds.

            Rin sneezed twice, then wiped his nose on his sleeve again. It no longer bothered him, the streak of his own snot.

            He had bigger things to worry about.

*

Rin paced his dorm while Sousuke did a weird stretch that involved moving his arm in a way that didn’t seem possible.

            “Makoto is apparently upset about something, too, according to Nanase, but what does he know? I guess everything, when it’s about Makoto, though. I didn’t notice anything – actually, he was a little weird in the morning, but that’s cause – Well, whatever,” Rin muttered, waving his hand to dismiss the memory of Makoto’s warm fingers on his waist.

            “You know, I liked it better when you were all clammed up and moody. Let’s go back to that,” Sousuke said, mildly, staring intently at his computer screen as he twisted his arm back even further.

            “What are you doing?” Rin snapped, distracted from his analysis. He stopped pacing and went over to glance at Sousuke’s screen.

            “Don’t even say anything,” Sousuke said, wincing at the stretch that he was imitating from his computer screen.

            Rin reached out and slammed his laptop shut. “That shit is gonna fuck up your muscles even worse than they already are,” he said, angry, sidetracked from Makoto completely – and honestly, it was a relief that he could be sidetracked, he was starting to worry he was going crazy, getting obsessed with the guy.

            Which would be ridiculous.

            “Maybe you don’t know everything, Matsuoka, consider that?” Sousuke snapped, opening his laptop again.

            Rin closed it shut again, and Sousuke stood up abruptly, forcing Rin to take a step back, as they were so close.

            “I’m not gonna let you fuck up your arm just so you can swim.”

            “Right, because swimming means nothing to me, right? I’m not you, so it’s not a big deal,” Sousuke bit out, voice low and angry, and Rin gritted his teeth, just as pissed.

            “That’s not what I said, is it? Dammit, Sousuke! But you heard what the doctors said – ”

            “No, Rin, I didn’t, why don’t you remind me, tell me again what they said,” Sousuke said, eyes slits, towering over Rin, who stood his ground.

            He swallowed. He knew how painful this was for Sousuke – no, he couldn’t imagine not being able to swim competitively anymore, not having that as a possible profession anymore, but Rin couldn’t just let his friend keep doing these weird internet quick-fixes that were sure to mess him up even more.

            He didn’t care how much Sousuke resented him for it. Maybe this wasn’t the right way to go about it, but it was the only way Rin knew how.

            “Can’t you just stick to what your physical therapists say? I know you’re not so stupid as to think a bunch of unqualified idiots on the internet know more than them.”

            “Maybe you don’t know as much as you think, ever consider that, Matsuoka?” Sousuke demanded, and then he shoved past Rin, walking out the door and slamming it behind him.

            Rin stood and breathed. He considered going after him – but how many times had they had this fight? How many times had the same things been said, been shouted?

            And still, Sousuke was determined to put his body in danger just for the slim chance he’d be able to swim competitively again.

            Rin closed his eyes, running his hand through his hair and pulling on it. He’d probably do the same thing, but then, Sousuke would yell at him just the same. What other choice did they have?

            His phone lit up, and Rin lunged for it, certain it was Sousuke, but then he saw Sousuke’s phone still sitting on his own desk, and on looking at his screen, Rin saw that it was Makoto.

            Rin stared at the name, resented the heat flooding through his core. What right did he have getting worked up over a stupid crush when he had bigger problems to be worried about?

            Looking at Makoto’s name, listening to the quickening of his own heartbeat, Rin felt nothing but shame. He closed his eyes, concentrated, tried to stop feeling anything, but when he opened his eyes his palms were still sweating, his pulse shaking his hands.

            “Dammit,” he muttered, opening the text, reminding himself that no matter what it said, it didn’t matter, it didn’t matter.

            **Hey.**

            Rin stared at the word. Three letters. The most worthless text he’d ever gotten in his life, and he had the urge to throw his phone at the wall, but instead sat on his chair and thought about the possible connotations “Hey” could have for the next ten minutes.

            He almost spoke aloud, a few times, meaning to ask Sousuke, but of course Sousuke wasn’t there, so Rin was forced to imagine the conversation.

            _“Yo, Yamazaki, what do you think ‘Hey’ means?” Rin would ask, casually, no big deal._

_Sousuke would look up from his phone only after a minute – he’d have to finish his round of CandyCrush or whatever dumb game he was playing at the moment before replying. “I’d probably guess it means, ‘Hey,’ Matsuoka, you dumbass,” he’d say, a grin slipping into his insult, ruining it a little, but Rin’s face would still heat up._

_“Asshole, forget it,” Rin would reply, and Sousuke would keep grinning even as he looked back at his game._

            Rin stopped imagining. Even in his head, Sousuke was absolutely worthless.

It was another ten minutes before Rin realized he hadn’t even replied.

            “Ah, fuck,” he muttered, quickly typing out “Hey” in response – refusing to spend time deliberating over all his possible responses like someone pathetic.

            He didn’t know why Makoto was texting him. It wasn’t exactly a common occurrence, and Rin even scrolled back to see their last text conversation.

            It was weeks back, when Rin and Sousuke were late in meeting up with the Iwatobi team for a movie. Makoto had texted him asking where they were, and Rin knew it was only because Haru had forgotten his phone at home.

            Rin was still staring at his phone, tapping his fingers on his desk impatiently, when the door opened, and Rin turned even though it could only be one person.

            Sousuke didn’t look at him as he walked in, taking a gulp of the energy drink he must have gotten from the vending machines downstairs.

            Rin never understood how Sousuke could drink those so late at night. They would’ve kept him up till morning.

            His phone beeped, and Rin fought the urge to grab it.

            “Sousuke,” he said.

            “Makoto’s texting you,” Sousuke said, airily, glancing at Rin’s phone.

            “What, so you just want to ignore all that?” Rin demanded.

            Sousuke sighed, a long sigh that pulled down his shoulders. “Rin, just drop it, I’m tired. I know what you’re gonna say, you know what I’m gonna say. What’s the point?” he asked, then drank the rest of his energy drink and crushed the can before chucking it in the waste basket.

            Rin ground his teeth together. He hated fighting with Sousuke. He could never sleep well, knowing Sousuke was in the bunk below him probably cursing up at him silently, and Rin seriously needed some sleep after the previous night.

            “Yo, I’m going to bed. You can leave the light on, it’s fine,” Sousuke mumbled, shedding his sweats and t-shirt and climbing under his blankets.

            Rin looked at him for another moment, then turned off the lights anyway.

            He picked up his phone, hating the thrill of warmth in his chest as he read Makoto’s message when he was supposed to be feeling like shit for fighting with his best friend.

            **Can u come over 2morrow? Around 5, after swim practice?**

            Rin stared at Sousuke’s back, his eyes taking a moment to adjust to the dark of the room now that he’d looked away from the light of his phone screen.

            He considered telling Sousuke, then shook his head.

            It wasn’t like this was a big deal, anyway, and Rin figured it’d be pretty shallow to be talking about Makoto when they’d only just fought about Sousuke’s broken dreams a few minutes before.

            Rin closed his eyes, wondering why on earth nothing could ever be easy, then texted back a reply before getting up and climbing onto the top bunk, setting his phone next to his pillow, just in case Makoto texted back.

            He didn’t, but Rin checked his phone just in case, making sure his message was the last in the conversation.

            **Sure,** he’d said, like it was no big deal.

            And it wasn’t.

            It wasn’t.

            It wasn’t.

*

At 4:57pm, Rin lingered outside Makoto’s door. He’d just showered after swim practice, but could feel himself sweating, his underarms dampening his shirt.

            Irritated, Rin knocked, feeling stupid as he did so.

            It occurred to him, in a sudden and horrible thought, that Haru might be over Makoto’s house, and Rin convinced himself in that split second that it would be Haru opening the door.

            Of course this wasn’t anything about Rin. He’d probably just left something at Makoto’s house the other night, and Makoto was having him over to pick it up.

            The person who answered the door wasn’t Makoto, but it wasn’t Haru either.

            It was a small kid – one of Makoto’s younger siblings, the girl. Her hair stuck out of her head in two cheerful pigtails.

            “Hello,” she said.

            “Oh. Hi,” Rin said, taking off his baseball cap, then putting it back on.

            “I like your girly hair,” she said.

            Rin stared at her. He’d never found his hair band, and had to use a new one that wasn’t as loose as he preferred. It pulled on his hair the wrong way, so he had the hair band around his wrist to stretch it out, and left his hair down for now, covered in his cap.

            “It’s not girly,” he argued.

            “Yes, it is,” the girl replied, equally indignant.

            “Ran?”

            It was Makoto’s voice, and then it was his body, filling up the doorway behind his sister. His long fingers were immediately in her hair, running her bangs back from her forehead unconsciously as he looked at Rin.

            “Oh, hi,” Makoto said, like he was surprised, when he was the one who’d told Rin to come over in the first place.

            For a moment, Rin nearly had a heart attack. Had he just been daydreaming about the texting conversation? Was he actually going crazy?

            But then Makoto was talking to Ran instead of asking Rin what the hell he was doing there – not that Makoto would ever say something like that.

            “When my friends come over, it’s polite to invite them in, right, Ran?” Makoto was asking his sister, and she looked up at him and smiled a grin so wide it took up half her little face.

            Rin felt the corners of his lips turning up as well. It was clear she worshipped her brother, and Makoto was so good with her. It was cute, honestly.

            But Makoto was good with everyone. It was just who he was. Likeable. Amazing.

            Rin cleared his throat and adjusted his cap again.

            “Would you like to come in, nii-chan’s friend?” the girl asked.

            Rin glanced at her. “Sure,” he said, although she wasn’t even looking at him, but up at her brother like she needed to check that she’d said the right thing.

            “Good job,” Makoto said, smiling his Makoto Smile, and he pulled her gently aside by the hand so that the entranceway was clear.

            Rin stepped in.

            “Should I ask him to take off his shoes?” the girl whispered behind him in a loud stage whisper.

            “Go ahead, but be polite,” Makoto whispered back.

            Rin was glad his back was turned so Makoto wouldn’t see his smile.

            “Hey, nii-chan’s friend? You should take off your shoes, please,” the girl said, poking Rin’s arm, and Rin toed them off.

            “No problem,” he said, earning himself another ridiculously wide smile before the girl quickly kissed the back of Makoto’s hand, laughing, then ran away. “She’s cute,” Rin said, to Makoto, who smiled.

            “Yeah,” he said, then his smile faltered, just a little, hardly noticeable, but Rin was looking for it.

            Haru had said there was something wrong with Makoto, and Rin was on the alert.

            “Are you hungry?” Makoto asked, fidgeting with something on his wrist, a bracelet Rin hadn’t noticed before, but he didn’t look too closely at it.

            “Not really,” Rin shrugged, and Makoto nodded, still staring at him like he was waiting for some other response before he looked away abruptly.

            “Okay. We can go to my room, then,” he said, and Rin shrugged again, then followed him, watching the slight movements of Makoto’s shoulder blades under his striped long sleeve shirt.

            In Makoto’s room, Makoto gestured to his desk chair, where Rin sat while Makoto sat facing him on the edge of his bed, though he quickly stood up and started walking around his room, Rin trailing him with his gaze silently.

            He figured Makoto should be the first one to say something, since he’d been the one to want to meet anyway, and it wasn’t like Rin had any clue why.

            “Um,” Makoto said, as he stopped pacing and stood in front of Rin, a foot or two away.

            Rin took off his cap and placed it on Makoto’s desk, running a hand through his hair. “Uh, is there something you wanted to talk to me about?” Rin asked, to help the guy out.

            Makoto bit his bottom lip. He looked unreasonably lost and unbearably cute. Rin had to look up at him, even more than usual, since he was standing and Rin was sitting. There was something comforting, in how tall Makoto was, though Rin couldn’t really think of a good reason why.

            “Haru talked to me last night,” Makoto said, which had a thrill of heat shooting through Rin’s chest, but he told himself now was a horrible time to have a heart attack and tried to remain calm.

            What could Haru have told him anyway? Nothing, Rin had said nothing.

            “Don’t you guys talk every night?” Rin asked, trying to remain casual.

            “No,” Makoto said, so suddenly and seriously it surprised Rin a little, and he leaned back against the edge of the desk chair.

            “Okay,” he said, unsure what else to say, and Makoto rubbed one of his big hands over his face.

            “Sorry,” he mumbled, into his palm before dropping his hand from his lips.

            Rin didn’t particularly know what he was apologizing for, but didn’t have much time to think about it, as then Makoto was speaking again, as abruptly and unexpectedly as before.

            “We’re just friends,” he said, quickly and loudly, and Rin stared at him.

            His pulse had entered his ears now, making it somewhat difficult to concentrate. Makoto had great lips, but now really wasn’t the time to be thinking about that.

            “Um – ”

            “Haru and I, I mean. I wanted to tell you that, I think you should know that, right?” Makoto asked, twisting his bracelet around the finger of his other hand, and it was then that Rin noted it wasn’t a bracelet – it was a hair band.

            Immediately, Rin touched his own hair band. Also black. But his was necessary, and Makoto – his hair was longer now, maybe, as he’d seemed to have missed a haircut or two, but definitely not long enough to warrant a hair band around his wrist, and Rin had never seen him with one before.

            “Rin?” Makoto asked, weakly, and Rin remembered he hadn’t replied, hadn’t really been paying attention to what Makoto had said.

            He thought back. Makoto was telling him he and Haru were just friends. He’d said he thought Rin should know that.

            If Rin had to put the clues together – the hair band, what Makoto was saying – it made sense. The answer was obvious.

            But it was impossible. Rin was just jumping to conclusions. He liked Makoto, wanted to be seeing things that weren’t happening, wanted to be hearing things that weren’t being said. Maybe Haru thought Rin had been accusing him of being in a relationship with Makoto, and the idea made Makoto embarrassed, so now he was trying to set Rin straight.

            Nothing to do with how Makoto felt about Rin.

            And the hair band…

            Of course. It was Ran’s. Rin had no doubt that big brother Makoto loved fixing his little sister’s hair in pigtails like the ones she’d been wearing when she answered the door.

            Rin exhaled loudly. He felt shaky and wiped his palms on the knees of his jeans, feeling stupid, foolish.

            “Okay,” he said, reminding himself that Makoto was still waiting for him to say something. He cleared his throat, tried to raise his voice, as it had come out too small. “That’s fine – I mean, I know that, I know that you’re just friends,” he said.

            Makoto looked at him closely.

            “What else would you be, right? We’re all just friends, obviously,” he continued, trying to put Makoto at ease, feeling jittery and trying to hide it.

            Makoto blinked, then shook his head, looked away from Rin, kept pulling on the hair band on his wrist – Ran’s hair band, it had to be Ran’s.           

            “No – Rin, that’s not – ” His hand was over his face again.

            Makoto was clearly uncomfortable, and Rin felt bad, certain it was because of him. He wanted to stand up, to reach out, to touch him, his cheek, to pull his hand from over his eyes. He wanted to be so close that he could see the specks of brown again.

            He wanted Makoto to want him, and that was the truth, that was the truth.

            “Makoto, I should go,” Rin mumbled, about to get up from his chair, but Makoto was shaking his head.

            “Did you know that you talk in your sleep?” Makoto asked, quietly, hand still over his eyes.

            Rin felt the abrupt squeeze of his chest in time with the swoop of his stomach.

            “I – ” Rin started, but he couldn’t finish. He had nothing to say. He thought of what Sousuke had said – Makoto was a girl’s name, he could pretend there was some girl at Samezuka, that there was anyone but this Makoto – but his throat had closed up, and Rin could say none of that, could say nothing at all.

            Makoto dropped his hand, and his eyes were open but he wasn’t looking at Rin. He stared down, at his socks, so Rin looked at them too. They were blue and striped, like his sweater, and there was no way Makoto had purposefully coordinated them, but it was still absurdly cute.

            “I never knew. I never thought – I thought I was…” Makoto’s words were soft and fell by his feet, and Rin didn’t know what he was trying to say, didn’t want to know what he was trying to say because all he wanted to do was get the hell out of there, but he appeared to be stuck to Makoto’s desk chair.

            He took deep breaths. Tried to make his legs move, his arms move – anything move, but all that moved was his heart, pounding too quickly, using up the energy of the rest of his body so he was otherwise completely immobile.

            Makoto looked at him. His head was tilted, and Rin wanted to look away, but he couldn’t move, he couldn’t move.

            “I didn’t think you even thought about me. As a friend, of course. But not… Why me? It doesn’t make sense, I’m not, I’m not anyone,” Makoto nearly whispered, staring intently at Rin, looking utterly confused, and Rin was finally able to make himself look away, jerked his head sideways, stared at Makoto’s desk.

            There was a mechanical pencil next to Rin’s cap. Rin stared at it, the small bit of led poking out the tip.

            “I can’t control what I dream. I’m sorry,” Rin said, finally, a little harsher than he’d intended, but he’d needed to say something to fill up the silence so Makoto couldn’t fill it with any more of his own quiet words.

            He didn’t think Makoto was angry. Not even disgusted, which was a relief, but Makoto’s confusion wasn’t much better.

            Was it that weird, that Rin dreamt about the guy? Didn’t Makoto even know what he looked like?

            Didn’t he know how kind he was? How warm he was? How comforting he was, how he had this way of making everything seem calm and quiet and still, of stopping the nonsense of Rin’s mind, the constant worry and stress and just washing it all over like a wave, making everything fine for even just a moment with one of his too easy smiles?

            Rin gritted his teeth. Why was Makoto even bringing this up? Was it necessary? Couldn’t he just have ignored it? Avoided Rin if he had to, if it really made him uncomfortable – and how hard would that be, they barely saw each other anyway, what was the big deal if Rin had a stupid crush?

            “I don’t want you to be sorry,” Makoto said, after a moment, tone changing to something like surprise, which didn’t make any sense.

            Rin looked back at him. Hated the way Makoto was looking at him, like Rin was some specimen at the zoo he just didn’t understand.

            What, he didn’t know people could be gay? What was this guy’s problem anyway?

            “Then what do you want, Makoto?” Rin snapped, pissed off, frankly, because he didn’t need his own feelings to be called out by the guy he unwillingly felt them for – he was fully aware of them, how unwelcome they were. “Look, I can’t freaking control my dreams, okay? And I didn’t even know I was saying shit about you before yesterday, so what did you want me to do? I didn’t mean to make you uncomfortable, and I’m sorry, but does it even matter? It’s not like I want to dream these things, or say these things, or feel these things, and it’s not like I’m gonna make a move on you, so you can relax, you know,” he said, a rush of angry words, skin too hot and heart too loud and palms too wet.

            He dug his nails into the fabric of his jeans over his knees.

            Makoto appeared thoroughly upset, which wasn’t helping matters, the goddamn puppy-dog eyes and the way he stepped forward, closing the distance between them that was already too small.

            “I – I didn’t mean – Rin, that’s not true,” he said, too emphatically, voice rising a little in a way that wasn’t like Makoto.

            Makoto’s voice was calm. Always gentle, unless he was shouting at Haru for doing something stupid, but with everyone else he was undisturbed, unruffled, peaceful Makoto, easygoing Makoto.

            And anyway, Rin didn’t know he was talking about, what apparently wasn’t true. That he didn’t want to feel what he felt, or dream what he dreamt?

            Because that sure as hell was true, and what would Makoto know about it? The way falling for him was hell, was not enjoyable in the slightest, was annoying and awful and getting worse every second Makoto stood there and looked at him like that, no sign of his Makoto Smile on his face now.

            Great. Rin had broken him. That wasn’t a surprise, but Rin still wasn’t exactly happy about it. Makoto didn’t deserve the burden of Rin’s feelings. Rin knew pretty damn well that his Iwatobi friends probably still walked on ice around him, worried he’d have another break down. He hated worrying them. He hated worrying Makoto.

            But just as Rin was thinking this, Makoto was suddenly smiling again like he had read Rin’s mind, natural and easy and calming and even though Rin was pissed off, he felt better, somehow – and that was the goddamn problem, wasn’t it?

            His sudden rush of relief at Makoto’s abrupt smile was why he’d fallen for Makoto in the first place, and it didn’t have anything to do with his good looks – well, no, that was definitely a factor – but it was more than that.

            When Rin was with Makoto – normal Makoto, happy Makoto – everything was just better, and it didn’t make sense, but it was just how it was.

            “I guess I’m not really telling you what I meant to tell you,” Makoto said, between his unexpected smile, while Rin glared at him, suspicious of whatever the hell he could be so happy about.

            He didn’t particularly want Makoto to tell him anything else, but he didn’t have much time to interrupt, as Makoto was stepping closer again, though he stopped carefully several inches away from Rin, like he was very conscious of this space he left.

            Rin clenched and unclenched his jaw. He had to tilt his head way back to look up at Makoto now, and it was embarrassing, frankly, but the guy was still smiling and Rin was a little mesmerized by it, by how happy Makoto suddenly was, how much that didn’t fit with their entire conversation.

            Again, Rin wondered if he should just blame his own insanity and call it a day. It was too much effort to try and rationalize what Makoto said and did around him recently.

            “I’m not uncomfortable by the things you said when you were asleep. And I know you can’t control them, but I… I was surprised. I was surprised that you would dream of me, Rin.”

            “Yeah, well, it’s not like I saw it coming either – ” Rin attempted to interrupt, to defend himself angrily, cause it wasn’t like it was his fault what his unconscious mind got up to without his rational thoughts to control it, but Makoto didn’t appear to be listening.

            “And I was happy. Because I – ” Makoto bit his lip, but somehow the action didn’t blemish his smile, even as he turned away from Rin, looked at his desk. “I dream of you, too,” he said, very quietly, so quietly Rin was absolutely certain that he’d imagined it.

            People just didn’t go around saying shit like that. Especially not Makoto, rational Makoto, logical Makoto who didn’t get swept up in emotion like Rin did, who didn’t spew stupid shit like Rin did, who didn’t say things without thinking about them like Rin did.

            “What?” Rin asked, bluntly.

            Makoto had pressed his hand to his lips like he’d just heard the words that had come out of them, and he wanted nothing but to stuff them back, erase them from the air.

            But then he moved his hand, lifted it up to his hair, ruffled it sheepishly.

            “It didn’t make sense. When I started thinking about you like that. Because you would never think of me in the same way, and I knew that. But I can’t control what I dream about either,” he said, and Rin watched his lips move as he spoke, could verify that they aligned with the shape of the words he said, but Rin still didn’t quite believe him.

            Except for the, “It didn’t make sense.” Rin could sure as hell buy that part.

            Why the hell would Makoto be dreaming about him?

            And Rin had thought his own unconscious mind was crazy.

            “Rin, you should say something, because I’m getting nervous,” Makoto mumbled, laughing in a breathy way – nervously, as if to prove his point, and he was so goddamn cute it was annoying, really.

            When Rin got nervous he just got hot and sweaty and red-faced and looked like an idiot. What right did Makoto have, to not look like an idiot as well?

            “I mean, I don’t know what to say. It doesn’t make sense to me either. I have no clue why you’d be dreaming about me,” Rin said, feeling awkward as he said it.

            Makoto blinked, tilted his head again. His eyebrows formed a small crease between them.

            Rin swallowed.

            “That’s not the part that doesn’t make sense. I know why I dream about you,” Makoto said, completely unembarrassed even though Rin felt his own skin heating up again.

            It wasn’t like Rin knew what to say to that, so he just stared at Makoto until the guy offered an explanation for his idiotic words.

            “If you think about something all the time, it makes sense that you’d dream about it,” Makoto said, in a confused way, like he was confused at Rin for being confused, when Makoto was the one who’d said it didn’t make sense in the first place, which Rin was keen to remind him of.

            He also needed to stop the guy before he said anything even more embarrassing, as Rin was certain his skin was going to start peeling off from the heat of it at some point. Makoto thought about him all the time? What?

            No, he had to stop thinking about that – it definitely wasn’t good for his sanity.

            “You’re the one who said it didn’t make sense!” he snapped, almost angry with Makoto for saying such things. Who said that shit? Nobody, and for good reason. The guy was going to drive Rin crazy.

            Makoto blinked, then smiled again, no longer confused, apparently. “It doesn’t make sense to me that you would dream about me too. That you would be thinking about me all the time too,” Makoto said, slowly, around his smile.

            Rin bristled. “I do not!” he shouted, indignant at the accusation.

            Stupid Makoto didn’t stop smiling. “Do you like me, Rin?” he asked, and it was all Rin could do not to stand up and punch him in the face.

            “Do you even think before you talk, Tachibana?” he yelled.

            Makoto did not answer him, despite the completely legitimate question. Instead, he said, “I wouldn’t mind. It would make me happy,” just like that, and suddenly Rin was certain he could say “No” to Makoto’s ridiculous question without it being even a bit of a lie.

            How could he like a guy like this, anyway? Someone who said things like this, who made Rin feel so hot and itchy when Rin absolutely did not give him permission to do so, someone who at the same time made him feel so calm and safe that it just didn’t make sense, it had to be some kind of serious internal conflict that would end up killing him.

            “Makoto – Stop, just – You need to stop talking,” Rin said, weakly, because this was too much, it wasn’t making sense, he needed Makoto to stop saying these things and smiling at him like that or he was going to get some seriously wrong impressions.

            Not that he thought Makoto was teasing him. It wouldn’t be something Makoto did.

            But nothing made sense, and Rin had been confused long enough, was tired of it, frankly.

            Makoto blinked at him, smile fading, and Rin sighed.

            Wasn’t this enough evidence for him? That Rin wasn’t good for him, what a stupid idea this entire thing was – for as stupid Rin had been to fall for him, it was infinitely worse that Makoto had gone and fallen right back. Since when did Makoto do such foolish, reckless things?

            Makoto opened his mouth, but he didn’t say anything, and then he closed his mouth, took a step back while Rin ran a hand through his hair, pulling until it stung.

            What were they doing?

            “Okay. Just – Just shut up for a second, I need to think,” Rin said, and Makoto didn’t say anything, didn’t move, just kept watching him, so Rin closed his eyes.

            He didn’t know what to think about. There was the fact that Makoto thought about him all the time. Dreamed about him. Wanted Rin to like him.

            So that meant Makoto liked him, right? It had to, which was crazy, but it was a place to start, so Rin opened his eyes and was almost surprised to see Makoto still standing there, still looking at him.

            He was really beautiful. Rin clenched his jaw, then forced himself to relax.

            “Look, Tachibana – Are you saying that you like me?” Rin demanded, ignoring the fact that saying the words made his skin so hot he wouldn’t be surprised if it matched his own hair.

            Makoto didn’t smile, which Rin had suspected, braced himself for. Instead, he tilted his head, looked at Rin for a long moment, then nodded once. “Yes. I like you, Rin,” he said, gently.

            Rin bit down on his tongue until he felt somewhat calm, somewhat under control. “Right. Okay, well, that’s pretty stupid of you,” he said, and a light crease appeared between Makoto’s eyes.

            “Why?” he asked, like he didn’t know – how could he not know?

            “First of all, it would never work,” Rin snapped, angry at Makoto for making him explain what he’d been reminding himself from the first time he ever thought of Makoto as more than a friend.

            Makoto didn’t argue. He just kept looking at Rin, raised his finger and traced his lips, then dropped his hand and asked, “Is there a second reason?”

            He was completely calm, like they were talking about something else entirely, and for a second, Rin was thrown off.

            Were they talking about something else entirely? No, surely not, Rin wasn’t that crazy, not yet, at least.

            “Yes, there is,” Rin said, voice hard. He wasn’t sure if Makoto was taking him seriously, but he did look very serious, so it was hard to tell. Rin had never thought of Makoto as someone whose emotions were hard to read – not nearly as hard as Haru, that was for sure – not now he was doubting himself.

            What did he really know about how Makoto felt anyway? He’d never known Makoto was scared of the ocean. He’d never known Makoto had doubts about his own swimming abilities. He’d sure as hell never known that Makoto thought about him – dreamed about him, even – so clearly, the guy was a lot better at hiding his emotions than Rin had suspected.

            But that made sense. Makoto put people at ease. He comforted people, but Rin could not remember the last time anyone had ever comforted him.

            Then again, it was Makoto’s fault for always hiding the fact that maybe he needed to be comforted too. If he just let people know what he was really feeling every once in a while instead of always having to be the caretaker, then maybe someone could be there for him for once.

            “Rin,” Makoto said, quietly, and Rin stopped his silent seething, as he’d worked himself up quite a bit, and was now pretty pissed at Makoto for always needing to take care of others and never letting anyone take care of him.

            What – Did he think his friends wouldn’t be there for him or something?

            “Haru said you’ve been upset!” Rin exploded, and this time, Makoto showed emotion, blinking and his eyebrows raising the slightest bit.

            “Is this – Is this the second reason?” Makoto asked, after a moment, throwing Rin off, as Rin had forgotten he was even listing things anyway.

            “What? No, forget about that. Have you been upset?” he demanded.

            Makoto’s gaze slipped to the side. Rin watched his chest, could see the rise and fall of it under the stripes of his shirt.

            “I wasn’t upset, Rin,” he said, quietly.

            “If Haru says you were upset, I’m going to trust him over you,” Rin said, angry at Makoto for lying at him.

            It wasn’t like Rin had any secrets from Makoto – not anymore, at least. Why couldn’t he be trusted with the truth as well?

            Makoto glanced at him, head still ducked so he was looking through his long eyelashes. “Rin… I wasn’t upset. I was worried, I guess.”

            “About who?” Rin demanded. Typical Makoto. Always worried about someone. Couldn’t he ever be worried about himself?

            As much as he admired Makoto for the way he cared about his friends, it got on Rin’s nerves that Makoto didn’t care as much about himself. Rin knew first hand what it was to shut up and self-destruct. He wouldn’t wish it on anyone – especially not Makoto.

            The thought of Makoto feeling anything like Rin had the past few years before the Iwatobi kids were there for him had Rin’s stomach turning. He felt hot again, but a different kind of hot, a worse kind.

            “No one. I was worried that what I was feeling would mess us up. We were never close like you and Haru, or me and Haru, even, and I always knew that. But I still valued your friendship, whether or not it mattered an equal amount to you. I always liked you, Rin,” Makoto said, and a thrill of what had to be some kind of lightning slipped through Rin’s body, fast and abrupt and electrifying. “But only recently did it become harder to hide, maybe because we’re older, or because we were around each other more, I don’t know. I didn’t want the way I felt to put more distance between us.”

            Rin stared at him, felt as though he was breathing strangely, hardly inhales and exhales but weird and abrupt bursts of breath shoved in and out by his lungs.

            Makoto had always like him?

            What? Why?

            But he couldn’t ask because Makoto was talking again, his voice strengthening slightly from the previous softness. “But then it was raining, and you were sick, and I had to invite you over even though I knew it was a bad idea. I told myself I didn’t want your fever to get worse, but I didn’t care that you were sick, Rin. I just wanted to be alone with you, to have you to myself, just once, without Haru or any of our other friends. Just one night, I promised myself,” Makoto said, almost like he was pleading, and Rin wanted to interrupt him, but he didn’t know what to say.

            He wanted to comfort him, could see now that Makoto was doing what Rin had just been annoyed at him for never doing – he was opening up, he was shedding his mask of Happy Makoto and he was showing Rin the other side of him, the vulnerable side, the side that was uncertain and not calm and not gentle but raw and sad, and it was Rin’s fault he was this way.

            Rin should have been happy, to hear Makoto say these things to him. But he wasn’t, because Makoto didn’t seem happy anymore. He seemed miserable, and Rin had never seen him like this, didn’t know what to do, had never felt more lost because this wasn’t right – everyone got miserable sometimes, but Makoto didn’t, Makoto didn’t.

            “I felt awful, dirty, asking you to sleep next to me, but I told myself there was no other choice. I wouldn’t do anything – I’d never have done anything – but I was breaking your trust. You were my friend, and I was your friend, but I felt more than that, and every day I lied to you so you wouldn’t have to have the burden of how I felt, so we wouldn’t have to stop being friends.”

            Rin wanted to remind Makoto that he did feel the same way, opened his mouth to get the words out, to remind Makoto that he didn’t need to worry, there was no burden, Makoto could never be a burden, but Makoto didn’t stop talking, was speaking quickly now, in a rush, like he was desperate to get the words out.

            So Rin closed his mouth and let him.

            “And when you started talking in your sleep, and you said my name,” Makoto said, in a whisper now, “it didn’t feel real. How could it be real? You? Dreaming about me? Of anyone you could have liked, of anyone you could have dreamed of… I told myself it didn’t matter, but you kept talking, saying things that even I couldn’t convince myself meant nothing – ”

            Rin ducked his head, blushing all the way down to his neck. He knew his embarrassment was not relevant at the moment, but that didn’t stop it from rushing through his skin. He forced himself to look up again.

            “ – and so I thought, maybe we could…” Makoto stopped talking, took a deep breath, and his mouth shaped soundless words until he shook his head, closing his eyes, opening them to the floor instead of Rin and speaking again so quietly Rin had to lean forward to hear. “I know it doesn’t make sense to you, Rin. I know that you don’t want to feel this way about me. I understand that. I don’t know why you do – Of all of our friends, me?” Makoto shook his head at the ground, and Rin finally realized why he was upset. His realization was ice, struck him in the chest, and he leaned back abruptly.

            He was pissed off, but he was sad too, and when his eyes burned he was relieved Makoto wasn’t looking at him.

            He couldn’t help but feel so angry he could cry. How could Makoto think this way?

            Then Makoto was looking up, his gaze earnest, his expression so familiar.

            Concerned. He was the one who was miserable, and he had the gall to look concerned.

            “I’m sure it will pass, Rin. We don’t have to do anything, change anything. I shouldn’t have told you that I felt the same way, especially not when you already said you didn’t want to feel this way. It was selfish of me. I was just so surprised, so happy, I let myself forget how unreasonable I was being,” Makoto said, apologetically.

            Rin was grinding his teeth together, but it seemed as though Makoto was finally going to let him speak, so he unclenched his jaw and had to take a breath so that he wouldn’t start yelling at him.

            It didn’t really work. “Makoto, are you serious? Selfish? What have you ever done that’s selfish, huh? And why don’t you just shut up about how unreasonable it is for me to like you and let me be the judge of that, all right?” he shouted, and Makoto blinked, and Rin’s eyes burned even more until he felt the burning spread to his cheek.

            He wiped it off, ignored it, kept going, voice cracking.

            “What is it that you think about yourself, anyway? What, you think I’m stupid to like you? Because let me tell you, I make a lot of stupid choices, but this is one that makes sense, that’s reasonable. I mean, it doesn’t make sense for me to like you because of me, not because of you. Don’t you know how – Don’t you know how much you mean to us? And not just me, this isn’t about that, it’s about – All of us, all of your friends, you don’t think you’re as good? What right do you have to even say that, when all of us could never be as good as you, and here you are degrading yourself, so what does that make us? Dammit, Makoto, I always thought I said some stupid shit, but this – how could you? How could you think like this? How could you?” Rin kept asking, didn’t think he could ever stop demanding to know how Makoto could think so little of himself when he was the best person Rin knew – he was proof of something good, of something better, and how dare he not see it.

            “Rin,” Makoto said, quickly. “Rin. I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to make you upset – ”

            “Shut up! Don’t you dare tell me you’re sorry again, will you stop being sorry? You have nothing to be sorry about unless you keep saying you’re sorry!” Rin shouted, fully aware that he was getting long past coherence by this point, but he couldn’t help it – he was shaking, he was so angry, he was so angry, he was so goddamn angry.

            “Rin, stop. Stop,” Makoto said, softly, looking at Rin sadly, like Rin was the one who was overreacting when it was Makoto who was in the wrong, so wrong, so horribly wrong.

            Rin covered his face with his hands. He was crying fully now, but he didn’t give a damn. He wasn’t going to pretend he didn’t care about Makoto. He wasn’t going to pretend it didn’t matter to him, hurt him.

            Makoto didn’t say anything else, so Rin was left to just listen to his own crying, the stickiness of it and the loudness of his breaths.

            It took a few minutes, but then he was able to calm down. His throat hurt and he kept sniffling, and Makoto had disappeared from in front of him when he dropped his hands from his face, but then he was back, wielding a tissue box, which Rin took, mumbling his thanks.

            When his face was dry and his nose blown, Rin placed the tissue box on Makoto’s desk and looked up at him.

            “Why do you like me, anyway?” Rin demanded. It was important. It felt like shit, hearing Makoto say there was no reason for Rin to like him, and he realized he was being a hypocrite not believing that Makoto could like him back.

            He needed Makoto to tell him why, let him see it, so that maybe things would stop not making sense, maybe this would start to be a possibility.

            Rin stopped himself before he could start thinking that far. He glared at Makoto, wet-eyed, daring him to argue, but Makoto didn’t.

            Makoto looked down again, tugged on the hair band again – which Rin was beginning to accept was indeed his hair band, and he was desperate to ask Makoto how exactly it had gotten on his wrist – had Makoto taken it while Rin was sleeping?

            The idea of Makoto touching his wrist while he was asleep felt too intimate, which was absurd, but Rin could hardly think about it without hyperventilating, so he made himself concentrate on what Makoto had begun to say.

            “Isn’t it obvious?” Makoto asked the floor, quietly, and Rin wanted to shout at him again about things that were obvious and things that were not, as Makoto clearly had the two very awfully mixed up, but he held his tongue. “You just cried because you couldn’t stand the thought of me being unhappy with who I am. And it’s not that I am unhappy, it’s… I don’t know, I just didn’t feel good enough, for you, I suppose. I want the best for you, for all of my friends, and you guys are always telling me I care too much, that I’m a caretaker or something,” Makoto said, looking up now, locking eyes with Rin, who focused on breathing.

            He could hold his breath for ages under water, but here, in Makoto’s room, he felt certain he would run out of oxygen completely.

            “But I’m not, really. I just worry a lot. But it’s not like you – You care about people so much, you pour your heart into everyone around you, you feel the pain and happiness of your friends like it is your own. When Haru didn’t even know what he wanted to do in the future, when we were all worried about him, it was you, Rin, you knew what to do, like it was easy, taking him to Australia and showing him the world. You say I can read his mind – but I didn’t know what he needed. I didn’t know what to do for him, I was so preoccupied with being worried about my own future, but you are always there for us. I admire that. You’ve always been someone I couldn’t look away from, and I don’t mean looks, even though – Well, anyway,” Makoto said quickly, cheeks darkening slightly in an incredibly sexy way that Rin couldn’t help but stare at. “What I mean is that it’s incredible to be around you. You’re so dedicated, so passionate, and you bring it out in everyone around you. I always liked you, Rin. I always liked you.”

            Rin regretted asking. He was going to cry again, and this time, he would damn well be embarrassed about it. He blinked quickly, looked away from Makoto, stared at his wall instead, painted a light blue.

            “That’s, I mean, I’m not really all that great,” Rin mumbled.

            He could imagine that Makoto was smiling at him, but didn’t check to make sure.

            “I think you are,” Makoto said, like all that mattered was what he thought.

            Which was somewhat accurate, as irritating as it was.

            “Most people would think of all that stuff as emotional and rash and dramatic and impulsive,” Rin said.

            “You think?” Makoto asked, like it’d never even occurred to him that Rin’s reckless overemotional behavior could be a bad thing.

            Rin turned to look at him then, stared at him closely, trying to understand him, how he could come to these conclusions.

            “So, what? You were just never going to tell me any of this? Of how you felt?” he demanded, somewhat angry. The guy could have saved them both a lot of heartache.

            Makoto didn’t appear remorseful. “You never told me.”

            “Well, yeah! Cause I never thought you’d like me back, and I wasn’t about to willingly make an ass of myself and ruin our friendship.”

            “I felt the same way,” Makoto said, patiently.

            Rin still didn’t stop glaring.  “This is still your fault, Tachibana,” he snapped.

            Reasonability was not on Makoto’s list of things about Rin that he liked, after all, so Rin felt no need to uphold it.

            Makoto smiled a small smile that didn’t quite reach his eyes. “Now what, Rin?” he asked, cautiously, like he was still worried Rin would break his heart.

            Like hell Rin was ever going to do something like that. Not to Makoto. Never to Makoto.

            “Well, you know,” Rin said, gesturing randomly.

            Makoto slipped his hands into his pockets. He shrugged in an incredibly cute way. “No, I don’t know,” he said, very quietly, like a child.

            Rin stood up. It felt like something he should do. He took a deep breath, and Makoto watched him with incredibly wide eyes, making him nervous.

            “Stop looking at me like that!” he snapped.

            “What are you doing?” Makoto asked.

            “I don’t know!” Rin replied, and Makoto bit his lip.

            “Have you ever imagined it?” he asked suddenly.

            “What?” Rin asked, disgruntled. He felt hot and jittery again, and was pretty sure his palms were wet once more, which wasn’t helping matters as it wasn’t like they were even doing anything.

            His body would probably just completely combust when they started doing something. If they started doing something. Were they going to start doing something?

            “Kissing,” Makoto said, and Rin laughed, loudly and awkwardly and abruptly, then stopped himself and stared at the floor, letting his hair fall over his face and shield him.

            “Ah, shit,” he mumbled. He was eighteen years old, but he felt like a child.

            “Did you want to?” Makoto asked.

            “Of course I do,” Rin snapped, looking up again, not needing Makoto to start up his self-doubting or it’d just piss him off all over again, and being pissed off wasn’t exactly how he’d imagined kissing Makoto.

            Because he had imagined it. A lot. But never a first kiss. That hadn’t even crossed his mind, seemed somehow more impossible than a twentieth kiss, or a hundredth kiss, seemed somehow more unreasonable and ridiculous when obviously, it had to happen before any subsequent kiss could.

            “Oh. Okay. Me too,” Makoto said.

            Rin closed his eyes, took deep breaths.

            “Can I ask you something?” Makoto asked.

            Rin opened his eyes. The more they talked, the less possible it was to have that first kiss, so Rin was all for it. “Yeah, what?”

            “Have you ever kissed anyone before?”

            Rin glared. “Does it matter?”

            “Not really. I was thinking maybe you should lead, if you had, though,” Makoto said, like they were talking about dancing or something.

            “So does that mean you’ve never kissed anyone?” Rin asked, suspiciously, trying to imagine Makoto kissing someone, but that made him uncomfortable, so he quickly stopped.

            “Does it matter?” Makoto asked, smiling slightly.

            Rin wanted to feel that smile on his own lips. To taste it, that bit of Makoto’s happiness, so small and sweet and there just because of him.

            He just had to walk over there and kiss the guy. How hard could it be?

            He’d have to lean up. Maybe reach out, tip Makoto’s head down a little – but no, the thought of touching him had Rin’s heart in his throat, so he focused on just the kissing. There was no way he’d be standing on his tiptoes, but there probably wasn’t a need for that.

            Makoto would bend down. Thoughtful Makoto.

            Rin would have to close his eyes. He’d want to see Makoto up close, the way he’d been able to look at Makoto as he slept, but Rin didn’t want Makoto watching Rin watch him.

            Makoto would probably keep his eyes open, knowing him. Which only made Rin more embarrassed – he didn’t need Makoto looking at him so up close, like this, while they kissed.

            Not that they were any closer to kissing, as neither boy had moved at all.

            “What are you thinking about?” Makoto asked, after another moment.

            “Nothing!” Rin said, too quickly, flushing, which seemed to amuse Makoto – Stupid Makoto – as his smile grew a bit.

            Rin clenched and unclenched his jaw. He’d wanted this guy so badly, and now that Makoto was literally standing there, waiting, Rin couldn’t do it. He didn’t know how. This was Makoto, his friend, and honestly, half of him still wasn’t sure any of this was happening.

            “It doesn’t have to be a big deal,” Rin mumbled.

            Makoto just looked at him. “Okay,” he said, finally.

            “I mean, it is a big deal, I’m not trying to say it’s no big deal…” Rin said, hastily.

            “Okay,” Makoto said, reminding Rin of Sousuke, which made Rin think of the fight they’d had the night before, which was the last thing Rin wanted to be thinking about right now, honestly.

            “God, this is awful,” Rin exhaled, unable to stand still anymore, so he started pacing, pulled his hair out of his eyes and began tying it up until he remembered that the hair band was a new one, and didn’t stretch enough for Rin to get his three loops in comfortably.

            Which made him think about his hair band on Makoto’s wrist.

            He gave up tying his hair and stopped pacing to see Makoto standing exactly as he had been, watching Rin like he wasn’t even phased by the fact that they weren’t kissing yet.

            Rin pointed at Makoto’s wrist, just visible above his pocket.

            “That’s my hair band, isn’t it?” he accused.

            Makoto didn’t look down at it. “Yes.”

            “You took it while I was sleeping.”   

            Makoto hesitated, then, “Yes.”

            “Did you know you were touching me? My waist, I mean?” Rin demanded.

            The skin of Makoto’s jaw flinched. He had a great jawline. “Did that make you uncomfortable?” he asked, weakly.

            “No, it didn’t,” Rin said, sternly. “Was it on purpose?”

            Makoto bit his lip. “No. Yes. I don’t know. I woke up earlier than you, was still half asleep. I took your hair band, put it on my wrist. It just made sense, in that moment. And my t-shirt had risen up on your skin, and I guess I reached out. It was the kind of awakeness that felt like a dream. I wasn’t sure if I was awake. I shouldn’t have touched you. But I thought I might have been dreaming,” Makoto said.

            Rin believed him. But he wouldn’t have cared if Makoto had been fully awake.

            Now, they were fully awake, and the distance between them was still present, obvious, mocking them.

            Or, at least, mocking Rin. Makoto didn’t seem to even notice it.

            “This isn’t working,” Rin said, abruptly.

            “What?” Makoto asked, sounding a little alarmed.

            “Us kissing!” Rin said.

            “Oh. Were you still going to do that? I thought you weren’t going to,” Makoto said, looking a bit surprised.

            “Why is it all on me?” Rin spluttered.

            “So you don’t mind, then, if I walk over to you and kiss you?” Makoto asked, making Rin dizzy with the simple way he said it, like it was nothing, like it was something he could ask about so casually like that.

            Rin pulled on his hair. “No, I don’t mind,” he mumbled, looking away from Makoto, at the ground where suddenly striped socks appeared.

            Rin forgot to exhale.

            “You should probably tilt your head up, a little,” Makoto said, maddeningly, but Rin did as he was told, looking first up at Makoto, but he was much too close, so Rin quickly looked away, to the side, keeping his head tilted up.

            “You’re not going to look at me?”

            “Shut up.”

            “I’m nervous too.”

            “I said shut up!”

            “Okay, Rin.”

            When Rin sensed Makoto leaning down, he closed his eyes. Tilted his head up just a bit further, and he could feel Makoto’s hair ruffling into his own, the contact so startling he almost jumped back.

            His breath hitched out of his lips. His heart was too loud, right in his mouth, Makoto would be able to feel the thick of his pulse the moment he pressed his lips to Rin’s, and the thought terrified Rin.

            It was too soon, for Makoto to be feeling Rin’s heartbeat. He felt too exposed, and then he felt Makoto’s breath on his skin, the bridge of his nose, then his lips.

            If he opened his eyes, he knew, he’d see Makoto’s eyelashes right in front of his.

            But Rin didn’t want to see him. Pretended he wasn’t there, that this breath on his skin did not belong to Makoto but a quick and heated breeze, pretended it was that same breeze, too, that was so soft against the skin of his forehead, not Makoto’s hair untangling from Rin’s own as Makoto ducked down even further.

            He didn’t know if he should have his lips opened or closed, and the thought was sudden in a moment of panic, and he should have thought of this earlier, it was too late to choose now –

            And then there was a strange warmth on his lips, and it was Makoto, and Rin knew this, but as long as his eyes were closed it didn’t have to be.

            It could have been anything, pressing so gently to him, this foreign and warm and strange friction that was moving, only slightly.

            It was Makoto, but as long as Rin didn’t look, it didn’t have to be, and he could keep breathing, as unevenly as he was managing it. For as long as it didn’t have to be Makoto, Rin could keep the dizziness at bay, despite how lightheaded he felt. For as long as it didn’t have to be Makoto, Rin could remain standing, despite the fact that he could not feel his legs.

            He could not feel anything. Not even his own lips. He only felt the pressure against them, this skin that did not even belong to him, but he felt it as if it were his own, as if he’d always had it but was only just noticing it now.

            Strange and unfamiliar but not unwanted. Not unneeded. Not inessential to Rin’s very existence.

            But then the warmth was gone, and somehow Rin was still alive, had survived the loss of this necessary pressure, and he exhaled all the air in his lungs, certain that if he didn’t need these lips than he sure as hell didn’t need oxygen, he didn’t need anything.

            “Was that okay?” Makoto asked, but it didn’t have to be Makoto, as Rin still had his eyes closed.

            It didn’t quite sound like Makoto, anyway. There was a strange undercurrent to the voice, shivery and electrifying, shaky and magnetic.

            “Yeah,” Rin said, in a voice that didn’t sound like his own either. It grated against his throat, fell oddly out of his lips that still tingled with some sort of warmth, not nearly as concentrated, not nearly as solid, just an echo, an imprint.

            “Your eyes are still closed,” Makoto said.

            Rin nodded, jerkily. “Yeah,” he said.

            “I’m going to kiss you again, then,” Makoto said.

            “Yeah,” Rin breathed, and he was glad Makoto gave him no time to prepare himself, as there was no way to prepare.

            Not for the softness, the heat, the shakiness, the wetness, like Makoto had just licked his lips.

            Maybe he had. Better not to think about it. Better not to think about Makoto at all, but just that wind, that unnamed pressure, could have been anything, and when it moved, Rin’s lips moved, when it opened, Rin’s lips opened.

            When there was solid warmth on Rin’s jawline, his chin and his neck, he flinched, but the warmth did not disappear. It lifted up, fell against Rin’s hair, and Rin sighed, his sigh not even having a chance to enter the atmosphere of the world, instead slipping straight into Makoto’s mouth, dissolving on Makoto’s tongue like it was a secret between them that no one would ever know.

            When Makoto’s hand moved to the back of Rin’s head, pulling Rin gently closer to his lips, Rin did not protest. The warmth against his mouth deepened, coated him further, not just over every inch of his skin but a level deeper. Slid along the inside of him. Melted muscles and tendons, charred ligaments and veins.

            His mouth was open now, and so was Makoto’s. Tongues touched, and all Rin could think about was how wet it was, hot and damp and almost sticky. 

            The sounds were the same – hot and wet and sticky. Awful, but Rin didn’t want them to stop. The gasp of Makoto’s breaths, amplified as they skidded over Rin’s skin. The viscous wound of their mouths, the slip-sliding of the wetness of their lips.

            And, under it all, the baseline of Rin’s pulse, not at all even, not at all accountable to keep any sort of rhythm. Rampant, instead, forgetting a beat here or there, making up for it three times in a row, quick, quick, quick, in a way that sounded familiar.

            Almost like a name. _Ma-ko-to._

            And then Rin opened his eyes, startled by his own heartbeat spelling out this name, amazed at the closeness of Makoto, the blurriness of his skin. That was his nose. His eyelashes. He eclipsed the rest of the room.

            There was no way, now, to avoid the fact that it was Makoto, that he was kissing this boy, the first kiss he’d never even imagined.

            But somehow, his body kept functioning. Feverish, completely, but never more alive.

*


	4. Chapter 4

Makoto stopped kissing him, maybe because Rin stopped first, still amazed at the closeness of him.

            Makoto leaned back, not by much, only enough so that their lips no longer touched, but Rin could still feel every one of Makoto’s breaths as well as his own exhales, ricocheting off Makoto’s lips and back against his own.

            Makoto’s eyelids were heavy. He blinked slowly, and Rin stared back, certain his own eyes were wide, trying to take in all of Makoto at once.

            Makoto wasn’t saying anything, but Rin didn’t care.

            He was immediately embarrassed by all of the words Makoto wasn’t saying, but could have been, could start saying, any minute now.

            “Shut up,” he murmured.

            Makoto’s heavy eyes crinkled just a bit, at the sides.

            “I have to go,” Rin said, stepping back because looking at Makoto so up close was getting dizzying.

            From a step back, he could see Makoto’s smile, wet and small but enough to reach his eyes.

            It wasn’t helping with the dizziness.

            “Okay,” Makoto said.

            “Because – Homework, and stuff,” Rin mumbled, even though that was hardly the reason.

            But the only other option was staying longer. If he stayed longer, they’d kiss more, probably. What if they did more than kiss? What if they did everything?

            Rin took a deep breath. He needed to relax before Makoto noticed he was absolutely losing it.

            Distance, he needed distance. Time for his skin to stop burning, his palms to stop sweating, his heart to stop racing, or else he’d definitely pass out and probably in the most unsightly position possible.

            “Okay,” Makoto said again.

            “Right. Okay. Well, bye,” Rin said.

            Makoto’s smile grew a little, which was annoying, because Rin hadn’t even said anything at all amusing.

            Rin took a jerky step forward, still looking at Makoto, then abruptly stopped looking at him and somehow made it to Makoto’s door without passing out.

            “I’ll walk you out,” Makoto said, quietly, right behind Rin, who hadn’t realized Makoto had followed him and nearly jumped out of his skin.

            “Jesus. Okay,” Rin muttered, leaving Makoto’s room, trying not to think of how Makoto was right behind him and how easy it would be to turn around, grab the guy by the striped sweater and shove him against the wall, kiss the living shit out of him.

            He didn’t know how he made it to the front door. It was a miracle, really, which Rin had never particularly believed in before but how could he doubt it now?

            Rin had his hand on the doorknob, was so close to escape, when Makoto touched his wrist, which Rin had to jerk away, alarmed, wondering if the guy was trying to hold his hand or something.

            It was much too soon for that. Hand holding? What did he think he was doing?

            “Your shoes, Rin,” Makoto murmured, when Rin turned around to yell at him, and Rin was glad he could stoop down so Makoto couldn’t see his mortified expression.

            Unfortunately, Rin was fully able to catch a glimpse of Makoto’s expression before he bent to tie his shoes, and the asshole appeared quite amused.

            When his shoes were on, Rin stood up slowly, trying to remember if he’d forgotten anything else, and as he was thinking about it, Makoto’s fingers were suddenly on his cheek, tilting his face a bit, and then Rin was being kissed again, fully without permission.

            He felt melted, liquefied, his shoulders sagging and his entire body going limp. He was slightly concerned that he would simply fall onto the floor of Makoto’s entryway, but the small touch of Makoto’s fingers still on his cheek seemed to be keeping him up, and then Makoto’s lips were gone again, and Rin was opening his eyes that he hadn’t remembered closing.

            “Am I allowed to do that?” Makoto asked, like he even had to ask.

            Rin watched him suspiciously. “Don’t ask such stupid things,” he mumbled, trying to sound angry, but his voice came out too small.

            “Okay, I won’t, Rin,” Makoto said, and there was something absolutely maddening about the bit of happiness in his voice.

            Rin turned away, stared at the door. He wanted to touch his lips, feel the lingering warmth of Makoto’s mouth with his fingertips, but there was no way in hell Rin was letting Makoto see him do such a thing, so he grasped the doorknob again instead.

            “Right. Well. Thank you,” Rin said, then realized he was thanking Makoto for kissing him, which made him look like the biggest idiot in the world, but then Makoto was saying –

            “You’re welcome, Rin,” like Rin was justified in thanking him.

            “Don’t tell me you’re welcome!” Rin snapped, glaring over his shoulder.

            Makoto smiled, then hid his smile with his hand – too late, Rin had seen it and was thoroughly pissed off about it.

            “You should probably get going, Rin, if you have all that homework,” Makoto said, behind his hand.

            Rin narrowed his eyes at the guy, wondering if he was mocking him. “Yeah, I should. Bye.”

            “Goodbye, Rin,” Makoto said, and it bothered Rin, that the guy kept saying his name.

            Maybe that wasn’t what bothered him. Maybe what bothered him was the way his pulse jumped every time Makoto said it.

            “Bye,” Rin said again, forgetting that he’d already said it before, and then he was opening the door, and the wind was sharp and cool and such a relief on his hot, hot skin.

            It took all of Rin’s shaky willpower, not to turn back to see if Makoto was watching him as he walked away.

*

Sousuke was not in their room.

            Rin hardly stepped inside before he took note of his friend’s absence and was right back out the door, heading straight to the pool, trying not to let himself get angry just yet, maybe Sousuke wasn’t as stupid as Rin suspected.

            At the pool, however, Rin allowed his anger to erupt fully, as there Sousuke was, in the water, the strokes identifiable immediately.

            Rin ground his teeth together, ready to unleash his anger at this boy the moment Sousuke surfaced, but then he realized that Sousuke’s strokes were slightly off and much slower than usual.

            They were deliberate, careful, and Rin recognized the small break in form matching up to the instructions from Sousuke’s physical therapists intended to keep a large range in the muscles of his shoulder without taxing them.

            Rin walked over to the edge of the pool slowly, stood in Sousuke’s lane, then bent down and pulled off his shoes and socks before rolling up the legs of his jeans to just under his knees and sitting with his feet and ankles in the pool. He watched Sousuke calmly, his anger slipping away from him.

            Sousuke was at the opposite end of the pool now, and Rin couldn’t tell if he noticed Rin as he turned, head bobbing above water, as he was wearing goggles.

            Even so, he stopped swimming in front of Rin, one hand on the rope divider of his lane and the other tugging off his goggles, which he threw onto the ledge beside where Rin sat.

            “Yo,” Sousuke said, running his hand through his wet hair.

            Rin nodded back. “Hey. Nice pace.”

            Sousuke shook his head. “Took some time to get used to it. I kept wanting to just, you know, go.”

            “Yeah. How’s your shoulder?”

            Sousuke shrugged, stretching out his arm. “Doesn’t hurt.”

            “Then it’s worth it, to slow down a bit.”

            “Still a pain in the ass,” Sousuke said, but his grimace wasn’t too bitter, and faded into a small smile.

            Rin smiled back, relieved that at least for now, he didn’t have to yell at Sousuke for being an idiot.

            “Wanna get something to eat, or did you just start the exercises?” Rin asked, but Sousuke was already ducking under the rope into the lane beside where Rin sat, grabbing onto the ledge and pulling himself out.

            “I’ve been at it all afternoon, I’m starving. Where have you been, anyway? Was texting Ai, he said you scampered off right after practice.”

            Rin pulled his hair up, then remembered Makoto still had his good hair band, and let it fall back over his face as he stooped down to put on his socks and shoes.

            “Makoto’s,” he said, after a moment of deliberation.  He felt stupid even talking about it, but he felt even stupider lying. It wasn’t like it was a big deal. People had relationships, that was normal.

            At the thought of him and Makoto in a _relationship_ , Rin ducked his head so Sousuke couldn’t see any signs of his mortification as they walked away from the pool.

            “And?” Sousuke asked.

            “And what?”

            “Did he mention the sleep talking?” Sousuke asked, bluntly.

            They were at the locker room now, and Rin glared at Sousuke, who couldn’t see Rin’s narrowed eyes as Sousuke was pulling on a sweatshirt.

            “Is that all you think about? The shit I say when I’m asleep?” Rin demanded.

            “Don’t flatter yourself, Matsuoka, you’re no more articulate with dirty talk than you are with the usual nonsense that comes out of your mouth,” Sousuke said, smirking while Rin crossed his arms over his chest.

            “Whatever. Yeah, he mentioned it.”

            Sousuke just stared at Rin, who stared back, daring the guy to ask.

            And then Sousuke grinned, shaking his head. “You’re so difficult, Matsuoka. Okay, I’ll do it your way. What happened next?”

            “You know, this is none of your business, what makes you think I’m going to give you a play-by-play?”

            “Trust me, I don’t want a play-by-play. Will you just sum it up for me, jeez, you can be so annoying, you know?” Sousuke asked, sighing tiredly as they left Samezuka’s pool.

            Sousuke was leading the way to a burger place near the academy, and Rin didn’t protest.

            “There’s nothing to sum up,” Rin snapped.

            “So nothing happened. Makoto said, ‘Hey, Rin, you talk in your sleep about how much you want to fuck me – ’ ”

            “Hey!”

            “ – And you said, ‘That’s right, Makoto, I do want to fuck you – ’ ”

            “Yamazaki, you better shut up right now if you know what’s good for you – ”

            “And that was it, you guys shook hands and parted ways and you came back here and now we’re getting food,” Sousuke finally finished, while Rin glared at him, knowing his glare would be diminished by the flush of his face and neck.

            Even his ears were hot, and Rin was glad his hair fell into his face, covering them.

            “You can be really stupid sometimes,” Rin snapped.

            “You’re the one who said he brought up your sleep talking and then nothing happened,” Sousuke replied, grinning as he opened the door for Rin, who stepped inside, the smell of grease somewhat calming him.

            They didn’t eat out that much during the season, but now that it was off-season, Sousuke and Rin were regulars here.

            “I’ll order, grab us seats,” Rin said, wanting to get away from the guy more than anything, and Sousuke agreed, heading to the counter that faced the window while Rin waited in line before ordering their usuals.

            When the food was ready, he brought their trays to where Sousuke sat at the long counter. Rin set the trays in front of them, then sat on the stool beside Sousuke’s.

            “So what happened?” Sousuke said, relentless.

            “You’re still going on about this?”

            “Fine, don’t tell me.”

            “Whatever, we kissed,” Rin said, annoyed because it wasn’t like he didn’t want to tell Sousuke, it was just the actual act of telling him that was absolutely mortifying.

            “Wait – What?” Sousuke asked, turning to stare at him, while Rin glared back.

            “Why are you so surprised?” he demanded, fully insulted.

            Sousuke did not appear to notice how rude he was being. “Are you being serious, Matsuoka?”

            “Shut up, yes, I am! Stop acting like it’s so impossible!”

            “It kind of is. Makoto kissed you or did you kiss him? Did you just jump him, Rin, you really can’t just kiss people without their consent, you know,” Sousuke said, in a lecturing tone, while Rin seethed beside him.

            He pointed a fry angrily at him. “Hey, why don’t you just shut the hell up? I did not force a kiss on him. He kissed me, anyway.”

            “Did he want to, or was he just doing it because he’s Makoto, and that’s what he does.”

            “Makoto does not just go around kissing people!” Rin shouted, maybe a little bit too loudly.

            Sousuke waved a hand. “Yeah, of course he doesn’t. But he does comfort people. Oh, Rin, don’t tell me you cried until he kissed you,” Sousuke said, wincing a little as he said it, while Rin contemplated punching the guy in the face.

            “Do you know how annoying you’re being?” he demanded.

            Sousuke raised his hands defensively before taking a bite of his burger. “I just wanna get the facts,” he said, with his mouth full, and Rin grimaced at him.

            “Well, stop being so stupid. Makoto did not kiss me to console me, or whatever. He wanted to. He’s liked me for a while, actually, so there.”

            “Really?”

            “Stop being so surprised!” Rin shouted, and Sousuke swallowed, then laughed.

            “All right, all right, I’ll believe you. Jeez, no need to get so worked up.”

            Rin ground his teeth together while Sousuke took another bite of his burger, turning to look out the window for a bit before glancing back at Rin.

            “Really? He likes you?” he asked, and Rin nearly lost it.

            “Yes! He likes me! He went on a whole rant about how fucking great I am, actually, so why don’t you take your comments and shove them up your ass and learn a thing or two about how to be a decent friend!” he yelled.

            “You want me to kiss you too?” Sousuke asked, leaning forward and grinning with ketchup on his chin, and Rin shoved him away.

            “Asshole.”

            “So now what?” Sousuke asked, wiping his face with a napkin.

            “What do you mean, now what?” Rin asked, fully ready for a change in topic.

            “Are you going out? Should I start knocking every time I’m about to enter our dorm so I don’t walk in on anything I definitely don’t want to be seeing?” Sousuke asked, eyebrows raised.

            “I’m never telling you anything again,” Rin snapped.

            “That was a serious question! Let me guess, you don’t even know if you’re dating or not.”

            “Don’t say it like that!”

            “Like what? Dating? Don’t you want to date him? Unless you were actually telling the truth about it just being a physical thing,” Sousuke mused, biting the end of a fry, “but I really thought you were just spewing some bullshit, honestly.”

            Rin looked away from him, as even Sousuke’s face had gotten infuriating. He stared out the window, at the people walking by the restaurant. Some of them were holding hands, dating, probably, like it was no big deal, and Rin remembered how electrified he’d felt when Makoto had only touched his wrist.

            Could he ever get to the point where he could causally walk with the guy down the street holding hands?

            The thought was mortifying. No, they wouldn’t be doing that. Not all couples held hands, anyway. And who said they were a couple?

            “Rin, hello,” Sousuke said.

            “It’s not just a physical thing,” Rin said, reminding himself that he needed to correct Sousuke on that.

            “So you want to date him.”

            Rin kept watching the people outside the window. They’d begun to fascinate him, in how easy they made hand-holding seem.

            “I don’t know,” he said, finally, glancing back at Sousuke, who was watching him seriously.

            “Then what do you want?”

            Rin pinched the bridge of his nose. “What’s with all the questions?” he demanded.

            Sousuke shrugged. “Curious, I guess. This just seems like something you would pretty easily screw up, so I suggest you start planning from now.”

            Rin wanted to yell at him, but it wasn’t like the guy wasn’t saying exactly what Rin had been thinking.

            He didn’t want to screw up. It was already too good to be true that Makoto liked him back, and Rin wasn’t about to test his feelings. He had to figure his shit out.

            “What do you think Makoto wants?” he asked.

            Sousuke scratched his chin. “Tachibana? Hm, he seems like a pretty traditional guy. Normal relationship, dates at the movies, that kind of thing. Then probably engaged sometime during college, and married only after he graduates. I can see him with two kids,” Sousuke continued, like a fortune teller.

            “I didn’t ask you to go that far!” Rin bristled, freaking out. Engaged? Marriage? He could hardly even wrap his head around holding hands, and here idiot Sousuke was, basically picking out their retirement plans.

            “Oh. Sorry. Then yeah, you know, dating. I don’t really see him as a PDA kind of guy, but I can’t say he’d be too pleased that you’re ashamed of him and embarrassed about the whole thing,” Sousuke pointed out.

            “I’m not ashamed of him!” Rin said, insulted at the thought. How could he be? It was Makoto – Makoto had chosen him, Makoto had chosen him, how could he ever be ashamed of that?

            “Well, you turn red every time we talk about him. And get all fidgety. And you don’t even know if you want to date the guy when you already confessed your undying love for him,” Sousuke said, plainly.

            “I did not say ‘undying!’ And that was an accident!” Rin insisted.

            “See,” Sousuke said, pointing at him. “That’s what I’m talking about. Sounds a lot like shame.”

            “I’m not ashamed,” Rin said, voice hard. He remembered all too well the look on Makoto’s face as he’d admitted he didn’t think he was good enough for Rin. Did he think Rin was ashamed?

            “Then date him,” Sousuke said, like it was easy.

            “You know, for a guy who’s got all this advice, I don’t see you dating anyone,” Rin snapped.

            “Unlike you, I don’t feel the need to make everything about me. You tend to hijack the conversation, Rin, why do you think you don’t know who I’m dating?”

            “Excuse you?” Rin demanded.

            “Yeah, I’m dating Nitori,” Sousuke said, casually, like he wasn’t saying something crazy. “Your little outburst about falling for Makoto and whatever got me thinking I should do something about my own feelings. Ai’s cute, don’t you think?” Sousuke asked.

            Rin blinked at him, so taken aback he could think of nothing to reply.

            Sousuke waved his hand. “I always thought he liked you, but turns out he’s scared to death of you and thinks I’m nice. How funny is that?” Sousuke asked, grinning.

            “You’re making this up,” Rin said, numbly.

            “Hm, you give me all that shit about being surprised about you and Makoto, and here you are, you big hypocrite,” Sousuke said, not seeming at all bothered.

            “You never told me anything about this! How was I supposed to know you liked Nitori? You can’t blame me for being blindsided,” Rin said, hotly.

            “I never said anything? Huh. Well, sorry, I guess I forgot you didn’t know. Unlike you, Rin, I don’t find the need to make everything a big deal and shout about it in my sleep.”

            “Sleep talking is not a choice!”

            “We’re high schoolers, and I think you take things a little too seriously sometimes,” Sousuke said, stealing a fry from Rin’s tray, as he’d finished his own.

            “So you and Nitori, I mean, have you kissed?” Rin demanded, still trying to understand what Sousuke was telling him.

            “Sure. Last night, after you got all stuffy with me about the stupid internet stretches, I saw him by the vending machine. And he asked if I was okay – he’s always so sincere, you know? I like that about him. So I ended up asking him if he liked you, and he got all flustered and cute and said no, he liked someone else, and he was being pretty obvious about it, so I asked him if I could kiss him, and he was on board. We didn’t do too much, as he was getting pretty breathless and anyway, I don’t want him to develop bad habits of sleeping too late when I know he gets up early to practice his swimming. Meeting him later tonight though. A date,” Sousuke added, with unnecessarily pointed eyebrow raising.

            Rin kept staring at him in disbelief. “You and Nitori?”

            “You bet,” Sousuke said, finishing the rest of Rin’s fries, then standing and stretching his arms above his head. “Shit, I ate too much.”

            “I can’t believe you didn’t tell me,” Rin said.

            “Don’t overreact like you always do. Let’s go, I wanted to take a shower.”

            “Before your date,” Rin clarified, standing up with Sousuke and taking their trays to the garbage.

            “Well, yeah, you can’t smell like grease on a first date.”

            “This is unbelievable,” Rin said, as they walked out of the restaurant, both tugging their jackets closer to their bodies. “How are you so casual about this? I mean, doesn’t it freak you out?”

            “Nitori? No,” Sousuke said.

            Rin stared down at the ground as he walked. “No. I mean – Being with him, kissing him and stuff, doesn’t that make you nervous or something? Not ashamed, I don’t mean that, just…”

            Sousuke sighed, then bumped Rin’s shoulder with his own. “Look. I know he likes me, and I trust him. This is something I’ve wanted, and now that I have it, I’m not going to just start doubting it and self-sabotage. If you trust Makoto, then you don’t need to be nervous. He’s not going to do anything to hurt you – I mean, come on, it’s Makoto – so really, no matter what happens, I don’t think you need to worry so much.”

            Rin nodded. It made sense. He definitely trusted Makoto.

            But even so, when he looked up, saw a couple holding hands in front of him, talking like it was no big, he couldn’t picture it, couldn’t imagine it, and didn’t know why it couldn’t be as easy for him as it was for them, as it was for Sousuke.

            What was wrong with him, anyway?

*

While Sousuke was on his “date,” apparently, Rin stared at his phone.

            Was he supposed to be on a date? Should he have asked Makoto out?

            Instead he’d just rambled about homework (of which he was getting absolutely nothing done) and ran out of there. That couldn’t be normal.

            Was it making Makoto doubt him? Making him think Rin was ashamed?

            He stared at his phone, wondering why Makoto hadn’t texted or called. Maybe he was waiting for Rin. Makoto had, after all, made the first move.

            “Ugh,” Rin groaned, resting his head at the edge of his desk. “Don’t be stupid, Rin. It’s just Makoto, just freaking call him,” he muttered to himself, feeling like a lunatic, incredibly relieved Sousuke wasn’t there.

            He sat up in one fluid motion, grabbed his phone, and pressed Makoto’s number, slamming the phone into his ear as it rang.

            He attempted to breathe evenly, and then Makoto answered.

            “Hi,” he said, and Rin felt himself relax immediately.

            “Oh, hey,” he breathed.

            “I’m surprised you called,” Makoto said.

            “What? Why?” Rin demanded.

            Makoto laughed through the phone. Rin was sure he could feel the warmth of it on his skin, as if Makoto was right beside him. “It’s okay. I just thought you’d still be freaking out.”

            “I’m not freaking out!”

            “You’re allowed to freak out,” Makoto said, and for some reason, it was such a relief to hear him say that.

            Rin closed his eyes. “But you’re not freaking out. And Sousuke is on a date with Nitori, apparently, and he’s not freaking out.”

            “Sousuke is dating Ai? Hm, they’d be good together.”

            “That’s not the point, Tachibana, focus!” Rin shouted.

            He could hear Makoto’s exhale across the line. “Rin, it’s one of the reasons why I like you. You overreact to everything, but I think it’s a good thing, to have that kind of passion.”

            Rin bit his lip. It was strange to hear Makoto saying these things, even though he knew now that Makoto felt them. “Yeah, maybe. But, I mean, I can’t even imagine holding your hand, Makoto,” Rin sighed, running his hand through his hair. “And that can’t be normal. And I don’t want you to think I’m feeling any doubt, because I’m not, it just freaks me out, and it probably shouldn’t. It definitely shouldn’t. I’m sorry,” he muttered.

            “Rin,” Makoto said, and Rin tightened his fingers around his hair.

            Shit, it wasn’t good, how much he liked this guy, the things it did to him when Makoto just said his name.

            “I mean, you want to date, right? And that’s what I should want too, and I do, but at the same time…” Rin trailed off, not even knowing what he was trying to say.

            He always seemed to be the last to understand his own feelings, anyway.

            “I don’t mind that you’re confused. I think you tend to overthink things, but I like that you take things so seriously. It makes me know that this is important to you,” Makoto said.

            “Do you want to date? Me?” Rin asked, releasing his hair and slipping his hand down to cover his eyes.

            “I do.”

            Rin made a strange sound involuntarily, which was embarrassing, and Makoto laughed again.

            “Well, don’t you want me to want to date you?” he demanded, trying to compose himself.

            “Yes. I do. But we don’t have to do it like everyone else. I’m okay with whatever you’re comfortable with, as long as I’m with you,” Makoto said.

            This time, Rin muffled his mouth with his palm so that the sounds he seemed incapable of preventing couldn’t come out.

            “Rin?”

            “Um,” Rin said.

            “We can take things slow.”

            Rin bit on his fingernail, which wasn’t even a nervous habit of his. What was Makoto doing to him?

            “Okay,” he said, finally.

            “I’m happy you called me. I like talking to you.”

            “Jeez, Makoto.”

            “Do you not want me to say things like that?” Makoto asked, which was even worse.

            “I don’t know! No, it’s fine. It’s just, I’m not used to it,” Rin mumbled.

            Makoto didn’t say anything for a while, and for a horrible second Rin thought he’d somehow made Makoto feel bad, but then Makoto was saying, “Rin, there’s something I have to ask you.”

            Rin was, justifiably, absolutely terrified.

            What could Makoto ask him?

            Why did he sound so hesitant?

            Why was he speaking so quietly?

            “Um, okay,” Rin said, wanting to hang up.

            He squeezed his cell phone more tightly.

            “I understand if you say no. It’s just… I always feel horrible, keeping things from Haru, it doesn’t feel natural to me. But this is about you too, so if you don’t want me to tell him, I won’t,” Makoto said, and it took Rin a moment, to understand what he was asking – even though he never actually came out and asked it.

            “You want to tell Nanase,” he said, just to clarify.

            “I can’t hide things from him! And I – I want to talk to him about this. I don’t mean to make you embarrassed, it’s okay if you don’t want me to tell him, I won’t be upset – ”

            “I told Sousuke!” Rin said, quickly, suddenly feeling awful that he hadn’t asked permission.

            “Oh. That’s fine. I don’t mind if you tell him. It’s just different with Haru, isn’t it? Because we’re both close to him,” Makoto said.

            Rin swallowed. Yeah, Makoto was right. Rin thought about asking Makoto if he could be the one who told Nanase, but the thought of having to tell Haru that he and Makoto were possibly dating was too horrible, especially because as bad as Sousuke had been, Rin knew Haru would be much worse.

            “You can tell him,” Rin said, after another moment.

            “I don’t have to,” Makoto said quickly, but Rin didn’t want to get in the way of their friendship, and anyway, Sousuke was wrong – Rin wasn’t ashamed. It was important to him that Haru knew about him and Makoto.

            He nodded, then remembered he was talking on the phone. “No. Tell him. I want you to tell him,” Rin said.

            “Thank you, Rin,” Makoto gushed, and Rin could hear his smile distorting the syllables of his words.

            Rin smiled back, reflexively, not even realizing it until he felt it on his lips.

            “Yeah, whatever,” he said.

            “You should come over again. Soon. If you wanted,” Makoto said, hesitantly.

            Rin tried to make himself stop smiling, fully aware that he looked like an idiot, but at least he was alone in his room.

            “Okay,” he managed. “Tomorrow? After practice?” he asked, and then he wondered if he sounded too desperate.

            Was that clingy? To want to see Makoto two days in a row?

            Rin couldn’t keep up with how he was supposed to act now, what he was supposed to do.

            But Makoto replied before Rin could work himself up too much. “Yes. Tomorrow,” he said.

            Rin didn’t say anything, just listened to Makoto’s breathing. This was what he wanted, he realized. Could this be dating? Just talking to him, knowing he might be kissing him tomorrow, feeling calm because of his voice?

            It seemed like a better deal than hand holding anyway, to be honest.

            “Rin,” Makoto said, after what might have been half a minute or several.

            “Hm?”

            “I have to go.” Rin could feel the weight of Makoto’s regret, was surprised by it, but then – he didn’t want the conversation to end either. Of everything that had happened, he felt, at this moment, like he was where he belonged, doing what he was supposed to be doing.

            “Okay,” he said, not letting Makoto know that he didn’t want him to.

            “Haru and I are helping the twins with their homework. I stepped out of the room when you called, but I should get back. I promised,” Makoto said, sounding slightly strained.

            “It’s okay, really,” Rin said, surprised that Haru was there.

            “I’ll see you tomorrow,” Makoto said.

            “Right.”

            “Bye, Rin.”

            Rin swallowed. “See ya,” he said, and then he hung up.

            He stared at his phone, wishing Makoto would call him back, alarmed by how good it had felt to simply talk to him.

            After a minute of staring, Rin turned his phone over so that it was facedown, then forced himself to do his homework. He was distracted and it took him twice as long as it usually would, but it was nice, to have something to keep his mind off Makoto.

            Sousuke still had not returned when Rin left their dorm to brush his teeth, and while he was brushing, he wondered if Sousuke would be staying at Nitori’s place.

            Were they having sex?

            The idea was so strange that Rin nearly choked on his toothpaste, and spit into the sink, coughing. There was no way they were having sex.

            When Rin got back to their dorm, his assumption was confirmed, as Sousuke was back, lounging on his bottom bunk.

            “Yo,” Rin said, kicking off his slippers.

            “Hey,” Sousuke said, looking up from his phone.

            “Fruit Ninja?”

            “Nah, texting Ai goodnight.”

            “How was it?” Rin asked, glancing at his phone still facedown on his desk but not turning it over.

            “Strange. I was surprised. I mean, I know he’s cute, but I didn’t think I’d like him this much,” Sousuke said, turning onto his back, looking back at his phone.

            Rin waited for Sousuke to elaborate, but he didn’t appear to feel the need to, so Rin grabbed his phone and ventured to the light switch.

            “Can I flip this off?”

            “Yeah, sure,” Sousuke said.   

            Rin still didn’t look at his phone until he was in his bunk, holding his phone under the blanket so that the light wouldn’t shine in the entire room.

            He had a text, but it was from Haru.

            Rin hesitated, then opened it.

            **If u hurt him I’ll kill u.**

            Rin stared at it for a moment, getting thoroughly embarrassed and pissed off.

            So Makoto had told him. And this was how Nanase reacted? Like some concerned father acting like Rin was a dangerous stranger?

            **U asshole u know me y the hell would I hurt makoto?**

            A second later, and – **just watch urself matsuoka.**

            Rin sighed, loudly, wondering why the hell he’d picked the friends he had.

            “Stop sighing like a lovesick girl,” Sousuke commented, from the bottom bunk, proving Rin’s point.

            “Shut the fuck up, Yamazaki.”

            “G’night, Matsuoka.”

            Rin rolled over, stretching to connect his phone to his charger, but then it lit up again.

            He was seething before he looked at it, certain it was Nanase again with some other useless comment, but it wasn’t.

            Makoto’s name flashed on his screen, and he opened the text.

            **Goodnight.**

            Rin stared at it. Just one word, but it meant that wherever Makoto was – probably in bed, at that point – he was thinking about Rin, imagining Rin opening this text, reading it in Makoto’s voice.

            Rin swallowed, decided to pretend he was already asleep, and plugged his phone in the charger, rolling over onto his side and staring at the dark wall.

            Not even a minute later, he was rolling back, grabbing his phone, typing a quick text.

            **‘night, Makoto.**

            He shoved his phone back away from him and rolled violently over again, yanking his blankets nearly entirely over his face and squeezing his eyes shut.

            His heart pounded, annoyingly, but after a few minutes it slowed again, and Rin started sweating, pulling back his blanket from his face. He turned onto his back, stared at the ceiling, imagined Makoto reading his text, mouthing the words with the lips Rin had kissed, then smiling his small Makoto smile.

            He wondered if Makoto would dream of him.

*

When Makoto answered his door, he was flushed and out of breath.

            “Hi,” he breathed, having swung open the door so fast Rin stepped back.

            He looked incredibly hot, and not just in the temperature sense.

            Rin peered at him. “Did you run to answer the door or something?”

            “I was playing hide and seek with my siblings. They’ll rope you into it if you come in – Do you want to go on a walk? I need a break,” Makoto said, in a rush of words, clearly out of breath, and Rin wasn’t sure why he found it so attractive, the sight of Makoto gasping, his large shoulders heaving in the frame of the doorway.

            He could only hope that Makoto found him just as good-looking when he himself was that sweaty and red-faced, but he doubted it.

            “Sure,” Rin said, and then Makoto ducked back in his house, leaving the door open so that Rin could see him putting on his shoes before he was back out the door, calling over his shoulder.

            “Going on a walk!” and then he closed the door behind him, still breathing hard as he looked at Rin again, then smiled. “Hi.”

            “Hey,” Rin said, warily, taking another step back. He could feel Makoto’s body heat radiating off of him. “They really did a number on you.”

            “It was someone’s birthday at school, and they ate too many cupcakes. Came home with a sugar rush, and chasing them around the house was the only way to calm them down,” Makoto explained, as they started walking.

            “For someone with so much stamina in the pool, you’re pretty out of breath,” Rin noted.

            Makoto flashed him a breathless smile. “Laps are nothing to twin toddlers,” he said.

            Rin nodded, looking away from Makoto’s profile. The sky was already turning orange, like the sun was getting prepared to set when it was hardly after five.

            “By the way, you left your baseball cap in my room,” Makoto said, after a moment.

            Rin didn’t know where they were walking. He mostly just walked straight, away from Makoto’s and Haru’s street, much the same way to the train station.

            It was kind of nice. He’d been worrying in the train about whether they were just going to go to Makoto’s room and make out, not that he didn’t want that, it just made him agitated to think about on the train.

            But walking calmed him again, and even Makoto’s breaths were evening out beside him.

            “Oh, sorry, I forgot it,” Rin said.

            “It’s okay.” Makoto laughed, quickly. “It’s like I’m collecting your stuff. Hair band, cap.”

            Rin didn’t know what to say to that, so he changed topics. “So you told Nanase.”

            “Oh. Yeah. He didn’t seem surprised,” Makoto mused.

            “He’s a weird guy,” Rin mumbled.

            Makoto laughed again. “He told me not to hurt you.”

            “What? He told me the same thing about you!” Rin fumed. That Nanase never knew when to keep his mouth shut.

            “We’re both his friends.”

            “Yeah, well, what does he think gives him the right to tell us not to hurt each other? Like hell I’m going to hurt you whether he tells me to or not!”

            “You think?” Makoto asked, and Rin had to look at him, saw that Makoto was watching him carefully.

            “You think I’m going to hurt you?” Rin asked, startled.

            “No… Not really. Not on purpose. But I don’t think it’s impossible.”

            “What is that supposed to mean?” Rin demanded, completely unable to comprehend Makoto’s pensive expression.

            Makoto shrugged, a quick smile blemishing his musing. “The more you like someone, the more it gives that person the ability to hurt you without even trying. I’m not saying you’d want to. I’m just saying it’s possible.”

            Rin stared at the guy, but Makoto was turning away from him, and Rin was left to watch his profile.

            He could understand what Makoto was saying, he guessed, but the thought still didn’t sit right with him.

            “I’m not going to hurt you,” he said, a little more harshly than he’d intended, and he watched the slip of Makoto’s smile across his profile.

            “Okay,” Makoto said, quietly, and Rin didn’t know if Makoto believed him.

            He realized Makoto was leading him to the small boardwalk that wrapped around the beach – or maybe Makoto wasn’t leading, and they’d just ended up there, just as they ended up stopping after a few more minutes, leaning against the rails and looking at the ocean.

            The breeze was salty and cool, but felt good on Rin’s face, in his hair.

            “How’s Sousuke?” Makoto asked, after a moment.

            “What?”

            “With his shoulder?”

            “Oh. I don’t know. Sometimes I think he’s getting used to it, but it could all be a front. I don’t know that I’d be able to get over it, something like that, having to give up the entire future I’d imagined for myself,” Rin said, to the ocean.

            “You have your entire future imagined?” Makoto asked.

            The part of Rin’s arms resting against the railing were cool even through his jacket, and he fidgeted slightly, so that different inches of skin were against it.

            “Some parts of it, I guess. Swimming. The Olympics. What about you? Nanase said you were going into education. Teaching kids to swim, right?” he asked, glancing sideways.

            Makoto wasn’t looking at the ocean, but lower, at the sand.

            “You and Haru are going to be seeing the world. It’s dumb to feel jealous, right? I know it is. And I want to teach kids, to help them like swimming helped me,” Makoto said, softly.

            Rin stared at him. He’d never even realized Makoto could be jealous.

            Makoto’s hands were around the railing, and Rin saw that he was squeezing it tightly.

            “Makoto,” Rin murmured. He didn’t know what to say. He wanted to say something, had to say something – But what was there?

            He wouldn’t tell Makoto it wasn’t a big deal. That he had no reason to be jealous. Because what right did he have to tell Makoto what he was justified in feeling jealous about?

            It wasn’t fair, to invalidate Makoto’s feelings, and Rin wasn’t about to do it just to comfort him.

            He thought about what Makoto had said about him. That he cared so much for other people that their pain became his own.

            Was that why he suddenly felt hollow? Was that why his chest ached so much, just looking at the whitening of Makoto’s knuckles as he grasped the railing?

            “I know it’s dumb,” Makoto said, again, clearing his throat.

            “It’s not,” Rin offered.

            “I’m not going to start resenting you guys for it, or anything. Of course we would all go our separate ways. Have different goals, different dreams. It’s just – It’ll be weird, not to swim with you guys anymore, I guess. I was never the best at it, but being on teams with you when we were younger, or now, with the Iwatobi team, I was part of something really incredible. It was never about winning, and I know that, but there’s something amazing, in being the best at something. I never had that with anything else. I’ve never been really talented at anything. It’s a dumb thing to think, to want, because not everyone can be the best at something. But I still think about it, sometimes…” Makoto said.

            Rin watched him, the softness of his eyelashes, the way his lips moved when he spoke.

            He wanted to reach out, put his hand over Makoto’s, feel Makoto relax under his touch – but what if Makoto didn’t relax?

            Rin didn’t know what to say, what to do – what if he wasn’t enough? He’d never even known Makoto felt this way, he never would have thought Makoto could have such doubts about himself.

            It was strange and awful.

            “Sorry,” Makoto said, quickly, raising a hand and covering his eyes, as if he could hide from Rin, take back his words like this. “I never talk about this. I didn’t even really consciously know I thought about it much. It’s one thing I can’t tell Haru, because he never cared about being the best at swimming. It was just something he was naturally good at, and I know he sometimes thinks of that talent like a burden. Which I understand. I didn’t want him to think I was mad at him, for something that he shouldn’t have ever been ashamed of, something he should have been proud of. Rin – Please don’t tell Haru I’m saying these things, okay? I shouldn’t even be saying them to you, I’m sorry, I don’t know why I’m – ” Makoto cut himself off, having dropped his hands from his eyes, back on the railing. His last words were rushed, almost panicked, and he looked at Rin now, looking worried and sorry and sad.

            “I – I won’t tell him,” Rin said, when he felt like he could speak, and Makoto nodded, looked away again, at the ocean now.

            The sun was setting by now, halfway swallowed by the ocean.

            “It’s good that you’re telling me these things, too. I mean, I never knew. But I want to know. I mean – I don’t want you to feel like this, obviously, that’s not what I’m – ” Rin sighed, running a hand through his hair, pulling on it, trying to figure out how to word what he was thinking, but he didn’t really know what he was thinking anyway.

            Makoto shook his head, just barely. “It’s okay,” he said, quietly.

            “No, listen! I think we should know these things about each other! The good stuff and the bad stuff! It’s important, and maybe I don’t know the right things to say to you, but whatever, you said you liked me, and you had to know I’m not someone who always says the right thing, but that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t tell me these things!” Rin said, maybe a little too loudly and harshly, and he exhaled in a rush, regretting yelling.

            Now Makoto would never tell him anything. Why couldn’t he react like a normal person?

            Makoto didn’t say anything, just kept staring at the ocean, so Rin followed his gaze, watched the sun slowly disappearing.

            This was something cliché and romantic, wasn’t it? A date kind of thing? Watching the sunset?

            Even so, Rin didn’t feel as though he was doing it right. Yelling at Makoto when the guy was opening up to him in front of the sunset was definitely the wrong move.

            Rin continued to stress in silence, and Makoto didn’t say anything, and for a long while they stood like that, not looking at each other, until Rin felt a hand on his cheek and Makoto was touching him, tilting his face to look at him.

            Makoto was closer than he had been, so close that Rin knew what was going to happen before it did – and then Makoto was kissing him, and Rin opened his mouth, kissed him back, more deeply than their kisses from the day before.

            It was a sunset kiss, an in-front-of-the-ocean kiss, a dating kiss, and Rin felt maybe he was doing something right – or, if he wasn’t, then he didn’t care about doing anything right anymore, because wrong felt so much better.

            He felt his muscles relaxing, felt one of Makoto’s hands fall onto his waist and the other slip back into his hair, and by the time they were kissing so hard it was getting a little difficult to breathe, Rin was lifting his own hands, could do nothing at first but grasp Makoto’s t-shirt, pull him closer, but then he managed to lift a hand and wrap it up into Makoto’s hair, pulling gently.

            His hair was soft. Softer than Rin’s own. His lips were insistent and harder than the first kiss, closer to the kisses Rin had let himself imagine back when that was all he thought they ever would be – in his head. His tongue was in Makoto’s mouth, tasting Makoto’s tongue, his lips, his teeth, the roof of his mouth. It was strange and weird but mostly just warm and wet and amazing.

            His eyes were closed.

            “Get a room!”

            They parted instantly, Rin quickly wiping his lips with the back of his hand and staring around wildly – having gotten quite disoriented while kissing – finally able to focus on some kid who was running with his friend, laughing, occasionally staring back at him and Makoto.

            Stupid kid. He couldn’t be older than fourteen. The nerve of him, to make Rin embarrassed and ruin what was definitely the best few minutes of his life – no question.

            “Asshole’s probably just jealous,” Rin muttered, between his loud breaths, and looked at Makoto sheepishly to see that he was breathing hard too, hand cupping the back of his neck.

            Makoto smiled. “You’re embarrassed.”

            “Shut up! I’m not!”

            “It’s cute,” Makoto said, ruffling his own hair, which Rin’s fingers had just been wrapped in.

            Rin swallowed and looked away, at the ocean that was still there, which was somewhat surprising. Rin had sort of expected nothing to be the same, after that kiss.

            Which was absurd.

            He wiped his lips again, just for something to do, feeling awkward.

            “I have to be back home in time for dinner, Rin, or my parents will worry,” Makoto said.

            Rin nodded at the ocean. “Yeah,” he said, and his voice broke, so he cleared his throat, flushing. “Right, yeah.”

            “Do you want to have dinner with us?”

            “Are you asking me to meet your parents?” Rin demanded, whipping around to glare at Makoto, who blinked, looking surprised.

            “Well, you’ve already met them, so no.”

            “Are you going to tell them we’re – you know – whatever we are?”

            “Do you want me to?” Makoto asked, annoyingly, putting the decision on Rin when he wasn’t even the one who brought up parents in the first place.

            “I don’t care!” Rin said, throwing his hands up.

            “I wasn’t really going to tell them anything. Not yet, at least. I just thought you might want to eat dinner with me,” Makoto said, calmly, making Rin look like an idiot for flipping out.

            Rin attempted to control himself. “Right. Sorry.”

            “It’s okay, Rin.”

            “Um, I should get back.”

            “Homework?” Makoto asked, biting his lip but smiling around it all the same.

            Rin narrowed his eyes. “No! I mean, yes! We’re in school, we have homework!” he snapped. It wasn’t like he didn’t want to be around Makoto longer. He just doubted his ability to control himself in front of Makoto’s parents when he could hardly act normal around Makoto himself.

            “I know. I’ll walk you to the train station,” Makoto said, and Rin wondered if he’d kiss him before he got on the train.

            The idea was absolutely terrifying.

            “You don’t have to,” Rin said, quickly. “It’s right there, anyway, and I don’t want you to be late to dinner,” he added, hastily, so Makoto wouldn’t think he was trying to get rid of him, which he wasn’t, anyway.

            Makoto gave Rin an infuriatingly knowing look. “I want to,” he said, then started walking in the direction of the station before Rin could protest more.

            Rin hastened to catch up, shoving his hands in his pockets.

            “You can tell your parents, you know,” Rin said, after a few minutes of silence. “I mean, we’re not a secret.”

            He could tell Makoto was looking at him now, but didn’t look back.

            “Okay. Thank you, Rin. But I don’t think I will tonight.”

            “Why not?” Rin demanded, looking at him, even though he should have just been relieved and let it drop.

            Makoto smiled at him. Again. Always smiling, but Rin sure as hell wasn’t complaining.

            “It’s nice, that this is just ours for right now. Haru knows, of course, but he won’t ask me about it like my parents will, and obviously, neither will Sousuke. They’re very overprotective, you know. They might get overly excited and start embarrassing me,” Makoto said, simply.

            “So, you don’t think they’ll mind?” Rin asked, after a moment.

            Makoto shrugged. They’d reached the station already, and Rin regretted it.

            “I don’t think so. Of course, I don’t truly know, they might. But I’m not really worried about that.”

            “Won’t you want their approval?” Rin asked, now inside the station. He could hear the train coming towards them, the clack of it on the tracks.

            He knew how close Makoto was with his parents, his whole family. He thought it was amazing, honestly, and definitely didn’t want to get in the way of that.

            “I think, more than anything, that my parents want me to be happy. So even if they don’t approve that I like a boy, I don’t think they’ll be upset with me for it. And they’ll get used to it, when they see how happy I am. Why? Are you worried, Rin?” Makoto asked, smiling slightly and looking at Rin from the sides of his eyes.

            Rin bristled. Was this guy making fun of him for caring? “What’s the big deal, it’s not like I want your parents to ostracize you because of me!” he snapped.

            “I know,” Makoto said, still smiling.

            The train had stopped in front of them, and the doors were opening for boarding.

            “Anyway, I should go now,” Rin said, as if Makoto had not seen the train even though he was looking at it.

            He glanced back at Rin, then opened his mouth, probably to say bye, but Rin would never know because he was leaning forward, needing to get on his tip-toes because Makoto wasn’t leaning down, and kissing Makoto quickly, just a press of his lips to Makoto’s open ones, abrupt and rushed.

            Rin stepped back immediately, hand in his hair, already walking backwards away from the man he’d accidentally kissed – because he definitely hadn’t planned that.

            “Right. See you,” he said, in choppy sentences, and he only caught a glimpse of Makoto’s shocked expression morphing into another smile before he’d turned around and basically ran onto the bus.

            There was a window seat open, and Rin took it before realizing he didn’t want to look out the window, see if Makoto was looking at him, but before he could move over, a man was sitting next to him.    

            Rin sat still, his skin burning, knowing he’d made a complete idiot out of himself – if he was going to kiss Makoto, fine, but why on earth did he have to run away?

            After a moment, though, he gave in to the temptation and peeked out his window, and of course, Makoto was still there, watching him, his fingers raised to his lips like he was unsure Rin had even kissed them, had to check, see if they were really warm, if it had even happened.

            Rin looked away quickly, and then the train was mercifully moving, and Rin closed his eyes, tried to relax in his seat, and wished he had kissed Makoto longer so that there could be no doubt at all.

*

The next afternoon, Rin found himself again at Makoto’s door, but before he could knock, Makoto was opening it.

            He was wearing an apron. Again.

            “Come in,” he said, smiling, reaching out and pulling Rin in, who nearly stumbled over his own feet.

            “What’s going on?” he asked, although it was pretty clear, as Rin could smell spices, and Makoto was still holding a spoon dripping in what looked like tomato sauce.

            “Once a week, I make dinner for my family. You’re going to help me today,” Makoto said, while Rin stooped down to shed his shoes.

            When he stood up, Makoto’s lips were against his, a flash of heat that was so abrupt he hardly felt it before it was gone.

            Rin’s hand was on his lips, as he was completely started, and then Makoto was disappearing.

            “Come on, Rin!” Makoto called, not giving Rin a second to come to terms with the fact that Makoto had just kissed him.

            Was this going to become normal? Quick kisses when they saw and left each other?

            That seemed like a normal couple thing, but Rin doubted his reaction to these abrupt kisses, whether stolen by himself or Makoto, was quite as customary. His skin was burning and it took him a second to compose himself before he could follow Makoto warily into the kitchen.

            “I’m a horrible cook,” Makoto said, cheerfully, “so I always follow a recipe. The next step is to peel and cut up garlic to sauté. That was actually the first step, but I forgot and just poured the sauce into the pot.”

            Makoto grinned sheepishly, while Rin walked over to examine the cookbook.

            It was simple spaghetti. Who needed a recipe for spaghetti?

            “If you’re so bad at cooking, why do you do it every week?” he asked, taking the head of garlic Makoto slid towards him and putting it on the cutting board.

            “Can you peel them? I always end up with pieces of the peel still stuck on them,” Makoto said, and Rin rolled his eyes, then stepped around Makoto to wash his hands at the sink. “And I want to get better at cooking, so I have to keep practicing every week. Soon I’ll be on my own, and I won’t be able to rely on my parents.”

            Rin took the towel Makoto offered him. “Yeah, I guess that makes sense. But if you can’t even make spaghetti without a recipe, you’re not off to a good start.”

            Makoto winced, and Rin realized he probably should not have been so harsh, but then Makoto offered a small smile.

            “I need this kind of constructive criticism. No, you’re right, I definitely have a long way to go,” Makoto said, sincerely, and Rin ducked his head to hide his grin.

            The guy was so cute when he was being absurdly serious about his cooking.

            “Okay, while you do that, I should, umm…”

            “You could put the pasta on. And turn down the heat on the sauce, or it’ll splatter,” Rin said, and Makoto nodded quickly before doing as he was told.

            “Wow, you’re so good at this. I asked Haru to help me cook tons of times before, but of course, he only cooks mackerel. I know he can cook other stuff, he just refuses,” Makoto sighed, pouring pasta into another pot while Rin peeled his third clove.

            “You know, you need to boil the water first,” Rin commented, and Makoto groaned.

            “Oh, right,” he said, quickly shoving pasta back into the box while Rin shook his head and looked back down.

            His hair was getting in his eyes, but his fingers smelled like garlic and he didn’t want to tie it up himself.

            “Makoto, hey,” he said, looking sideways while his bangs slipped into his face. He shook his head to get them off, and Makoto glanced at him, holding the pasta pot under the sink.      

            It was overflowing.

            “Yeah?” he asked, cheerily.

            Rin stopped himself from rolling his eyes again. The guy really could not cook. “First, turn off the faucet and pour out some of that water so when you add in the pasta it doesn’t overflow,” he said, while Makoto yelped and turned off the faucet, emptying a quarter of the pot before putting it on the stove.

            “Should I cover it?”

            “Yeah, it’ll boil faster. Now come over here,” he said, and Makoto came over, standing too close to Rin, so he stepped back.

            They were just cooking, after all, he did not need to be getting red-faced and breathless now. They already had to deal with one incompetent cook.

            Rin looked up at Makoto. “Can you tie up my hair? I don’t want to get garlic on it,” he said, and Makoto stared at him like he’d asked him something crazy. “What?” Rin demanded, and Makoto’s eyes widened, then he shook his head.

            “Nothing! Sure, no problem,” he said, and Rin was about to hold out his hand for Makoto to take his hair band before noticing that Makoto still wore Rin’s around his own wrist.

            Rin turned back to the garlic, peeling them carefully, and then he felt Makoto’s hands against his skin, slipping over his neck as he gathered Rin’s hair in his hands. His fingers grazed Rin’s cheek to pick up his bangs.

            Rin’s fingers froze. He hadn’t even thought about what tying his hair up actually entailed – it never felt like something intimate when he tied his own hair up, after all. But at this point, he was seriously wondering why the hell he hadn’t just washed his hands again and tied it up himself.

            “I won’t tie it too tight, I’ve tied up my sister’s hair loads of times,” Makoto murmured, but Rin doubted he tied up his sister’s hair like this.

            His hands were too hot, fingers combing through Rin’s hair too deliberately, thumb slipping around Rin’s ear too slowly.

            Rin inhaled deeply, trying to concentrate on the clove of garlic between his fingers, but Makoto seemed intent on making this the most perfect ponytail ever, as his fingers kept slipping through Rin’s hair, from his forehead back and then up from the nape of his neck.

            Rin swallowed, and then he felt the slight pull of his hair being tied, and he was so relieved when Makoto’s hands left his hair.

            He was finally able to exhale again, and glanced sideways to see Makoto had stepped aside and was looking at him, probably admiring his handiwork.

            “Thanks,” Rin murmured.

            Makoto flashed him an easy smile. “Of course,” he said, and then he yelped again because the water was boiling over, so Rin had to calm him down and tell him to simply lift the lid and turn the heat down, distracting himself from the lingering feeling of Makoto’s fingers, soft through his hair.

*

They were in Makoto’s room after Rin ended up staying for dinner with his parents, which wasn’t that painful, surprisingly. Rin managed to keep his composure, and Makoto’s parents gave no sign of knowing anything was going on between him and Makoto.

            It was nice, actually. It had been a while since Rin had sat down to a family dinner, and he liked Makoto’s family, how cheerful and happy everyone was. He didn’t have to talk much, with the twins constantly chattering and Makoto’s dad giving Makoto cooking tips and Makoto’s mom constantly talking about how handsome Rin had gotten – was that women ever going to let it go?

            But Rin hadn’t mind, enjoyed sitting next to Makoto, watching him interact with his family, imagining how Makoto might interact with a family of his own – but he stopped his thought process there. He hadn’t even been dating the guy for three days, after all, and in fact still didn’t know if they were actually officially dating or not.

            Though he thought, if Makoto asked, that he was ready now. Not so nervous at the thought of it. Wanted, actually, to feel what Makoto’s big hand might feel like, intertwined in his own.

            “Don’t you have homework?” Makoto asked, mildly, and Rin grinned, stretching out on his back on Makoto’s bed, resting the back of his head on his entwined hands.

            He was full from dinner and exhausted. Cooking with Makoto was much more work than he could have anticipated.

            “Nah,” he said, closing his eyes, and then he felt the bed depress beside him, so he opened his eyes again to see Makoto sitting cross-legged next to him, looking down at him.

            “You’re not freaking out,” Makoto noted, unnecessarily.

            “Should I be?” Rin asked, teasing him, surprised at his own comfort to be on Makoto’s bed, so close to him, fully aware that they were not going to be talking much longer.

            Makoto smiled. “No,” he said, reaching out and tucking a strand of Rin’s hair behind his ear that must have slipped out of Makoto’s immaculate ponytail.

            “We’re dating, right?” Rin asked, accidentally, even though he’d meant to let Makoto ask.

            Makoto didn’t even hesitate. “Yeah, I think so,” he said.

            “Okay. Good,” Rin said, and at Makoto’s smile he had to look away from him, at the ceiling.

            Not for long, as Makoto was leaning over him, his face looming before Rin closed his eyes and they were kissing, and Rin felt a little hot, a little feverish, but mostly he just felt amazing, amazing, amazing, and he didn’t mind at all when Makoto’s hands were on his waist, slipping under his t-shirt – he only wanted more.

 

THE END


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